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12:45 p.m. - 12/13/01
i wonder<<< but I just^ .don'tknow.--
It's ok now that I feel my claws starting to come out a little bit because it means that I can use the imood kitten without it feeling too irrelevant. I was about to ask that any readers afraid to get scratched refrain from reading this entry, but I'm so tired of apologizing. I feel like I should be sorry for *thinking* these days, and even though I know that is not the intention of most people in my life, I've started to get irritated with the lack of confidence my friends seem to have in me. How is it that you all can be drawn to the "wisdom of Atoms" and never trust me to utilize it?

I'm not afraid of making mistakes; I'm afraid of not being allowed to make them. I don't have a problem making the necessary phone call, saying, "hey, I screwed up; I need out of this situation" - that doesn't frighten me. What frightens me is sitting at home always wondering if the situation would have been screwed-up, watching my current environment grow steadily more unsafe and being too afraid to try other avenues.

I'm not a dumb girl, and that's what upsets me: the constant second-guessing, the constant guilt trips, the advice. Anyone who is taking this personally should keep in mind that if it were *only you* I wouldn't care. After all, nothing "pushes my buttons" unless I haven't worked on those buttons, unless there are still places where I'm raw. What I'm saying is that I'm still flawed, I'm still human - I no longer want to be perfect. I can't imagine what it was like to be Chas or Mandy or any other of the thousand women I deemed flawless and have to be human in spite of that perception. I've hardly licked the tip of that iceberg, and already I'm so irritated I want to scratch things till they break.

It's probably a good time to clip my fingernails...otherwise, I may end up with splinters from attacking the walls.

In terms of the school I'm looking into attending: it's a *particular school.* It is not some random renegade impulse. And not only will I look into it thoroughly before I make a decision, if I decide once I'm there, that I've made the *wrong* decision, I won't stay. No matter what kind of shit I get from my parents about it.

In terms of the ways I've "changed" since returning...I was warned. I was told that certain people wouldn't like who I've become, the fact that I set boundaries, that I resist the majority of my caretaking urges. I was warned. But I didn't believe it...I didn't believe that friends, real beautiful friends, wouldn't understand that I was still my same self, only stronger, that I was doing what I needed to take care of the girl they loved so much.

Why am I not allowed to take care of myself? What is all this bullshit? I don't understand why I have to be clingy in order to show I care about you. Why don't you trust me to stay in your life if I don't sign on to IM every day? Or ever?

What the hell kind of relationships do I have that no one trusts me?

rustychord

"everything's fine now, I convince myself/ everything's fine until I fall in love with somebody else..."

-sarah bishop "harriet summer"

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