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12:45 p.m. - 12/13/01 I'm not afraid of making mistakes; I'm afraid of not being allowed to make them. I don't have a problem making the necessary phone call, saying, "hey, I screwed up; I need out of this situation" - that doesn't frighten me. What frightens me is sitting at home always wondering if the situation would have been screwed-up, watching my current environment grow steadily more unsafe and being too afraid to try other avenues. I'm not a dumb girl, and that's what upsets me: the constant second-guessing, the constant guilt trips, the advice. Anyone who is taking this personally should keep in mind that if it were *only you* I wouldn't care. After all, nothing "pushes my buttons" unless I haven't worked on those buttons, unless there are still places where I'm raw. What I'm saying is that I'm still flawed, I'm still human - I no longer want to be perfect. I can't imagine what it was like to be Chas or Mandy or any other of the thousand women I deemed flawless and have to be human in spite of that perception. I've hardly licked the tip of that iceberg, and already I'm so irritated I want to scratch things till they break. It's probably a good time to clip my fingernails...otherwise, I may end up with splinters from attacking the walls. In terms of the school I'm looking into attending: it's a *particular school.* It is not some random renegade impulse. And not only will I look into it thoroughly before I make a decision, if I decide once I'm there, that I've made the *wrong* decision, I won't stay. No matter what kind of shit I get from my parents about it. In terms of the ways I've "changed" since returning...I was warned. I was told that certain people wouldn't like who I've become, the fact that I set boundaries, that I resist the majority of my caretaking urges. I was warned. But I didn't believe it...I didn't believe that friends, real beautiful friends, wouldn't understand that I was still my same self, only stronger, that I was doing what I needed to take care of the girl they loved so much. Why am I not allowed to take care of myself? What is all this bullshit? I don't understand why I have to be clingy in order to show I care about you. Why don't you trust me to stay in your life if I don't sign on to IM every day? Or ever? What the hell kind of relationships do I have that no one trusts me?
"everything's fine now, I convince myself/ everything's fine until I fall in love with somebody else..." -sarah bishop "harriet summer" � � |