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2:35 p.m. - 08/05/02
ramblin' rose...
I just finished reading Shandi's letters, which weren't quite as impossible to view as I thought they might be. She shows such amazing strength in them, and that makes the incredible pain she faced a little easier to witness. I wish more than anything that I could have been there for her, but I know that, even where I am now, I'm not stable enough to be what she needed at that point. I'm so relieved that she felt able to write me, that the letters helped her maintain sanity, and that she has gotten through to whatever plateau she's at now. Nothing breaks my heart more than to see the pain that (so many of) my friends went through while I was gone, and nothing heals my pain more than to know how deeply they trust me with their worlds. It means everything that Shandi felt safe writing these letters to me, and it reacquaints me with myself to know that this is not the first time I've been shown such trust. I need to find a way to stay secure in my own recovery and still affirm the reality that nothing touches me more deeply than the opportunity to be there for a friend. Even if I'm miles and miles away working on my own shit. I want to be able to do something for them. I want to deserve the incredible trust they place in me, and the incredible love surrounding me. Maybe I already do. I want to know I do, which is so difficult these days, but still, I'm working on it.

I need to write her a letter, but I think I want to find a perfect card to write it in. And I'm probably going to have to make her a mix tape. Because I still haven't found a better way to share with people the love I've found than to give them the music that expresses it. Other than to love them, of course. Other than to continue living myself, as I've learned how.

I'm incredibly exhausted, emotionally and physically. I can tell I need to talk with Dr. R but I haven't the slightest idea what it is I need to say. Maybe I just need the opportunity to *talk* again. I need the chance to feel openly, safely, the release some of the pressure building in my chest. I need to tell someone that my father is moving out of state and my parents aren't divorcing and doesn't this look a little like when my mom took the job at the retreat center and my life completely fell apart? My dad's switching careers and moving back to the Neverland area, even though both he and my mom don't appreciate it when I phrase the facts that way. He is moving. Because if he takes this job he will be home possibly three nights a week, maybe less, which is the schedule my mom was on, and he will have his own house in a different state. I don't like the fact that everyone is acting as if this is completely normal. Just because it happened before doesn't mean it's normal. When it happened before, we weren't happy. And I'd love to say that I'm just going to focus on my own life- on my school, my recovery, and my friends- but I can't keep from being affected by the insanity we call family life. Just once I want them to be adults, to be settled, to live the life they're supposed to live as people, and remain responsible. I know this job will bring my dad a lot of happiness, but it isn't fair that we moved here for the sole purpose of being a family in one household, and now that's breaking again. I said something to my mom about it and she said something about how this is our year together (hers and mine), and I said, "oh, great, so Dad can just move out, and that's fine." My parents are completely crazy. I love them, but hate this. I want a family. There are tears in my chest waiting to erupt, but I can't seem to find the release button. I think I'm pretty shut off from spending so much time at Sarah's, and that's making it hard to access and deal with the feelings. Wednesday morning seems so far away, and one hour seems like such a short time. It's even more difficult now that I don't have the comfort of calling RED. I could call them, of course, but I honestly believe it isn't a good idea right now. So much of my pain is about not having a home and dealing with the fact that even the one I did have, the amazingly loving one, pushed me away- that calling them might really set me off. I do need to call Sara, though. Either this afternoon or tomorrow. I need to see how she's doing. I'm especially worried because she was going to get her electrolytes checked just after we talked the last time, and she was really scared they'd be off, and she'd end up hospitalized. She really doesn't need to be in the hospital right now. She can maintain recovery in the hospital; she needs to learn how to do it outside. I really hope she's ok...

I went out with two of my brothers, my aunt and uncle, and the parents again last night. It's been such peace to be with them again. I never really thought about how thoroughly being the youngest of five kids has effected me, but seeing how comfortable I am sandwiched in the backseat of a car has helped me realize it. I need people. Seven never seemed like such a huge family to me (my mom is one of 17 kids)- but I'm realizing how much this only-child business the past few years has left me broken. My family may not have been the healthiest of worlds, but it did shape me in not completely awful ways. It will be nice when I can be surrounded again, within a family of choice, as well as the family of blood.

I register for my senior year tonight. It's only my second time in the building and I'm pretty terrified. I'm a little shaky in my stance today, but hopefully I'll get out alive. I'm so lonely I almost wish that I was actually attending classes, but then, there are better solutions to the loneliness problem than throwing myself to the wolves...

with love
chord

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