8:25 a.m. - 08/17/02
cultivating thomas.
I need to write Heather. But I don't want to write Heather because I need to write Heather; I want to write Heather because I *want* to write Heather, and so I'm waiting, and she's probably checking her e-mail every five minutes, the way I do for a response from Scott, and banging her head against the wall when only the spam can greet her. But I don't want a relationship of duty. Having duty in a relationship- feeling like it's necessary to do upkeep even when you feel like isolating, feeling responsible- is fine with me; I think it's part of love. But somewhere between responding to an e-mail because I should have done so by now and only responding to e-mail because I should have done so by now there must be a balance I can afford. One that will do me decently...
At the same time, I'm really feeling edgy in my impatience for Scott's reply. It's probably better that it isn't here yet; I need to remember that I am *not* hoping that he will write me back and be like, "You're exactly right! What was I thinking? Back to the boys..." because that would be hoping that my words could heal or fix them, and I *know* how bad that is, and what it sets me up to do. I hope the letter I wrote wasn't overly trying to fix the situation; I can't remember now. But I know from talking with Sara that when I jump in and try to neatly tie things up, everything falls apart. And if I just accept that my friends have pain and there's no way I can stop that, I start to share my own experiences, and in them, sometimes find little ways of helping after all.
Unfortunately, I *am* hoping that Scott will write me and be ok. But at least I'm admitting now that it isn't likely. Maybe it would be ok for me to wish he'd find a "healthy doubt." (The doctor-man would be right in saying I'm suppressing a smile *now* - I'm amused, and a little disturbed, by how thoroughly he has infiltrated my life.) Maybe I can hope he'll find enough in him to *doubt* that what he's experiencing is an accurate reflection of the rest of the world. So that he can say, "*Maybe* it isn't a horribly sinful thing if I'm not straight" the way I say "Maybe it isn't entirely impossible that I'll find a life better than what I have with my parents." It's just so terribly difficult to start doubting, but as we know from the not-so-fun doubts that creep up, they grow quickly and ransack the entire garden. Which is not fun under such circumtsances, but if we can cultivate them where such -erh- uprooting is necessary, they can be oh-so beneficial. I'd like to see Scott doubt just a little that N*land has it right. The same way I'm learning to doubt- just a little- that my parents are the epitome of love.
Maybe there is something as good as the good of Red without the pain. I can't say "better than RED" just yet, but as good without the bad, perhaps...
It's difficult to start doubting, to start believing your own doubt over other people's arguments, especially when you live in a town like N*land where people claim to have the word of God on their side, or a house like mine, where your parents flat out say such brilliant lines as, "No one will ever love you more than I do" as they're (emotionally, in my case; verbally) slapping you in the face. But the truth is - I *have* started to believe it, and I think it's easier for me than him, because I had an experience that wasn't like this place (maybe he has? I don't know) and I can remember it, and fight the present with the past. Plus, the worst case scenario for my doubt is not going to hell. Jesus. I wish he didn't believe all this fundamentalist-abusive-bullshit. If people don't quit using relgious text to tar and feather other people, I'm going to have to start supporting the occasional book-burning. Sometimes I think it's time that the zealots got a taste of what it feels like when things "get a little toasty..." What it feels like to have to believe what you do in mortal fear.
Wouldn't it be nice if that's what the world was heading toward? Instead of some awful fundamentalist country I'm going to have to slip across the border to escape? Wouldn't it be marvelous if the Christian right and all abusive religious groups kept pushing themselves into power, and the rest of the world stepped in and said, "Erm. No"? loudly enough that they had to back down and maybe after fifty or a hundred years a bunch of this religious bullshit would be healed? What if its coming to the forefront weren't a sign of the Apocolypse so much as a change-over after which all Christians could be like Katie, and Mandy, and Chas? After which people with religion could be decent to the rest of the world?
I'm keeping my one way ticket to Argentina just in case...
chord
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