9:25 a.m. - 09/02/02
[oh/oh, it ain't easy[[|
last night I had bad dreams that mixed terrorism with school shootings and at one point I was trying to throw myself out of the path of a machine gun. I woke up as I threw myself into the wall over my bed and now my ankle hurts. the night before I had perfectly not-so-bad dreams about red, but I prefer the terrorists. something about being back there and having dave say I couldn't stay, but then having them discuss the terms of my living there the rest of my life, something about seeing all these blonde girls who were not my girls, and tracy who sings to me about how things are all ok but she misses the people she loves, did not sit well with me. I'm tired of wanting to gouge what's left of my eyesight away so I don't see all the reminders sprinkled around the world. I'm tired of not crocheting because I might get a row into it and feel the need to put my head through a mirror. I'm tired.
depression sucks. eating disorders suck. anxiety follows suit. truly. but I just feel these days like at least they have some sort of pattern, at least I have a little bit of know-how in dealing with them. I'm oh-so practiced in those areas. this. this isn't good. this isn't fair. this is completely overwhelming and I don't even want to talk about it because it's almost too personal and it's almost too overwhelming.
I want to move into the doctor's office and he can come see *me.* I'll sleep on his couch and wear headphones to override the waiting room muzak. and school will disappear and life will be bearable again. because I don't want to not feel this, but I'm afraid to face it fully. because I want to love them pain-and-all but I'm not sure I can survive it. there's a reason I keep experiences separated. saying "there is sometimes pain in love" is no different from saying "love = pain"...and that scares me.
I don't want to quit loving them, but I'm scared to feel how deeply this will hurt...
chord <--who is sorry if she's been distant lately
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