10:15 p.m. - 09/17/02
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if we were new instead of old, I'd go in tomorrow and try to look like someone worth his time. I'd be witty and interesting, even optimistic. I'd be dedicated, resilient, persistent. I would not tell him in monotone that I almost want to be sick again just so my feelings have a basis in reality. note to self: things really are worth being depressed over right now, but depression's never worth it. i.e. I have a right to feel how I do, no matter what, but I'd rather not feel depressed. I may not actually believe this right now, but if my old friend Shame is going to drill its messages in my head, you can beat I'll use repetition as my counter-attack. I will try.
prepare for total meltdown. if I let it out here, it might not come out somewhere else. just try to breathe.
i hate this. all of this. i hate myself. i'm tired of opening my inbox or running through my memories and only stumbling into things that make me want to hurt myself. yes hurt myself. stretch open the old wounds, invent new pathways. i need this don't you see i have to get out of here i can't deal with the way it all spirals in again and even achievement is just another way to screw up and why do i bother with words i don't want anyone to know anything i tried to tell them about you know the play that's coming and i tried to be proud and still smart and to tell only who i wanted to see but it doesn't work it all comes down to how much shame can one girl hold and i set new records in that regard i really do and god i miss you i miss them so much and i'm so stupid to feel that way just let it go already for god's sake it was a fucking hospital you stupid idiot you fucking moron bitch i'm so tired of your whiny venting shit as if you have any pain remotely near what they are experiencing all of them with their autopsies their comas and their doubts you're nothing in the fact of that pain and you're nothing without it you try to be a good girl you try to show them how much you care but don't you see how little they can care for you it doesn't matter what they say you are manipulative i hate you and i think you're scum and i never want to have to put up with you anymore
why do you bother going to him trying to tell him what's going on and feelings that don't matter because nothing matters anymore nothing ever matters that's the way it goes one mile forward one thought back and who's to say which one covers more distance who's to say i'm not better off alone
i deserve this i deserve this i deserve this pain.
i need to cry
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