8:15 p.m. - 10/14/02
tree fog//flight......:*
You've seen them, haven't you? Those movies that make you ache inside with understanding? Those songs that sound familiar the first time through, and new books whose pages are worn? You've stumbled across them the way I have; the last lines on the radio, the first commerical break, you find yourself inside. I know you know. I saw one of those movies tonight. Newness first introduced to memory. Some people are like this. Some people you meet and feel you've known forever. I want to turn into a bird, too. I want to be a raptor able to protect myself. And I want to come home to a call I know is safe.
The year before I won Young Playwrights, a girl named Lucy wrote a play called Gorgeous Raptors. There was much the same, actually. And I thought of Sarah and the movement here; how at one point she spins her elderly teacher around like they are waltzing and then runs away. I thought of what it was to watch a girl turn into a bird and know she wasn't crazy. I will find my way through other people's stories. That's what Julia says in the play, my play. I will find my way through other people's stories. Other people's letters. Other people's arms. Not through. To. I will find my way to other people's arms.
Thank you, to the girl who has already saved me once by not trying to save me. I'm sorry to all of you who might feel pain at what you are about to read. But tonight I saw a beautiful movie where the woods looked like the fog of other worlds, and I fell in love with something I wasn't sure I liked. I transformed watching transformation, and the only words I had were holy fuck. I will find my way through my own words, out to the other side, inside, myself. I am still here, somewhere, and I am the only one who can unravel all the mysteries and unhinge all the locks. I am the only one who knows all the secrets and interprets the languages. In my sleep, I view the drawings inside my skin, and one of these days someone will want to know, truly-safely, the depth of what they mean. I am the only one who can translate them, and for now that is purpose enough. Life, introspection, exploration, love and risk; for now these are all more and more enough.
I love you.
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