10:55 p.m. - 10/25/02
the skky is fallling and no one knowws
It's so hard to write. Today was better. I didn't cry, and I kept busy more easily; my thoughts overwhelmed me less. Still, every time I even start to think about it, I feel absolutely sick. The emotion that comes up, the emotion I still don't even understand, makes me weak and nauseous. It's hard to trust you'll be ok feeling something when just to consider it pushes you closer to passing out. I'm scared I'll throw up if I feel this, which may sound really bizarre, but it's a real fear. I want so badly to talk about it, but I can't talk about it. I can't write about it until I talk about it, and he still hasn't called me back, and now I'm on-line and it's almost eleven, which translates to "I'm screwed for another day."
I was actually glad he didn't call most of the day. When the phone rang, I kept thinking, "Oh, shit, now I'm going to have to talk about it; I was feeling almost ok" and then when it wouldn't be him, I would think, "God, you have to get off the phone, or he won't be able to get through." I'm a blender of emotion; my feelings are so mixed, they're nearly indistinguishable. I don't know what's causing all of this. I don't. I know that some of it is lurking just below my consciousness, and if I would *use* this journal, I could get a grip on some of it without much work.
But I won't; I can't. I know I'm not alone here. I know that if I wrote it down, people would understand, respond, whatever I might ask of you to do. I know that, and I trust that, but I'm just so scared. It's like why I didn't call Rogers for so long; I was afraid that if I hung up, the pain would be horrible- and what would I do then?
Oh, fuck; I have to leave before I feel something.
I'm so sad, and I need to talk, but if I talk I'll feel, and I'm scared to feel. Tomorrow, we're visiting my brother, and though Mom says we *can* drive home again tomorrow night, I know that she and Joe would both rather we stayed until Sunday morning. I can't be alone right now; I absolutely can't. I can't ensure that I will keep myself safe for over 24 hours without surveillance, so I can't stay home. But I'm still not sure that going to a strange place is what I'd rather do. I need to call the doc and tell him the number for Joe's, but then I'll feel insanely needy, like "I know I said you didn't have to call, but just in case *you* really wanted to, here's the number". On top of which, if I do break down completely on the phone (which I will) how will I pull myself back together afterward in order to be social? My relationship with Joe is just starting to get good, which is part of the reason I want to go, and I know Mom says that Joe really understands my illness now (and it seems that way from how cool he is around me), but I remember so many explosions in the past. He used to get so upset when I wouldn't want to go to a certain restuarant, or when I'd cry the whole time and not order anything. I just don't want to bring that back again.
There's a theme; do you see it? Mary-cannot-feel. I can't stop feeling, but if I go into this alone, I'll die. And no one is going to be able to be here 24/7. No one (that I feel safe with) is going to be able to make sure that I am never alone in a room or alone in my head. Why the fuck does it have to hurt so bad? Why the fuck does it have to be this way.
I know I said I can't control the world because I don't have enough information to make good decisions, but damnit, I know it shouldn't be this way. I know this is wrong, and it hurts so much, and I would give anything to mend it all. I'd go into it if doing so would do us any good. I'd feel this pain forever if it would make what's happened less.
Nothing changes with the tears. I just get more guilty. I'm sorry to have posted this; forgive.
chord
(who is ok, really- or will be)
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