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9:00 p.m. - 11/01/02
one step. one breath. one moment. one hope.
I am so mad at myself!

Why?

Because it hurts and it shouldn't hurt.

It shouldn't hurt?

No.

Why?

Because I hate this. And I hate me. I hate me because I can't handle this, and I'm being angry, and I hate being angry. I don't deserve to be angry because I'm bad bad bad bad bad.

Shame.

I know! Don't you think I don't know? I've been in therapy, too, just like you, and I've learned all the jargon, and you know what, it doesn't help! I can't make it go away, and I'm mad at myself that I can't make it go away.

What do you want to get rid of?

Myself.

Why?

Because I am mean.

You're mean? How?

I'm mean because I'm hurting and I need things and that isn't fair. It isn't fair to ask for anything because I am not a good person. I stopped being a good person when I started looking after myself. I was bad enough when I was hurting myself, and now I'm making other people do good things to me and that's just mean.

I think you're hurting.

So?

So, maybe you aren't thinking exactly the way you would be if you weren't hurting. Maybe you would like yourself a little better, and be a little gentler, if you weren't in so much pain.

Like that thing about how even though it isn't good for me, I'll blame myself for the situation, because then it makes sense, and I don't have to think that things really are this bad?

Yes.

I'm sick of doing that.

I know.

But I have to, don't I? I mean, it isn't like when I was at RED; I don't have anything now. I don't have *anyone* now. I can't just *feel* all this when I'm alone.

I know you're scared.

What do I do? I mean, seriously, what do I do?

I don't know.

You don't know? You have to know! One of us has to know. I can't do this on my own if we don't figure out what I'm supposed to do.

You don't have to do this on your own...

Yes, I do! Don't you get it? I'm all alone now. No one is here anymore. My parents are crazy, and my t didn't return the call, and my friends are so far gone I can't even reach them. I don't even know where half of them *are.*

But you aren't alone.

I am. I have to be.

Why?

Because it wouldn't hurt this bad if I weren't alone. Being alone is what hurts, and if life is just like this, I can't deal. Because I have to be alone, or I'll do something stupid again, and I'd rather be not good enough to deserve love, than try for it and fail.

I think you deserve love. I think you are loved.

I don't want to hear that! That hurts.

I know it hurts. But that doesn't mean you don't need it. It doesn't mean you aren't loved, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve to be.

Why is it like this? Why do I have to be the one person in the world that no one can fucking be there for? Why am I so self-centered and unlovable?

Why do you keep thinking these things?

I'm *scared.* I don't want to hurt like this forever. I have to keep my guard up; I don't trust myself. If I don't watch out, I'll be BAD again, and I can't let that happen. I have to be careful; I can't just pretend it wasn't real.

It *wasn't* real. It wasn't that you *became* good. It was that you discovered you *were* good. You didn't have to change.

I don't want to be alone. Please, please, don't let me be alone.

We're working on it, ok? That's why we're working on it. You did good today. You talked with Laura and you tried to call Sara, and you made that list of people you need in your life. I'm trying really hard, and we're not going to be alone forever, I promise. I know that would be too much. I know that would just hurt too much.

I'm just so sorry. About everything. I'm just so sorry if I'm doing something that's making people not be there.

Listen. You're the only one saying these messages now. No one else is telling you you're bad. No one else is telling you you can't be loved. No one else is upset that you got sick and postponed a psych test; they don't care! They're sorry that you're struggling; they want your pain to lessen, too. You don't have to keep apologizing. You're the one making the judgments.

I want them back. I want them back so much. Why can't I just be with my family again?

Because...I don't know. I really don't.

What's going to happen to me?

You're going to take it a breath at a time, and let the future figure itself out. You're going to keep doing your best, and try to let that be enough. It is enough, Mary; it really is.

What do I need?

That's a very good question.

I need...to feel safe. I need hope that life is possible again, the way I had it then. I need the chance that I will someday experience something as good as what I had. I need to know this moment is not endless, and they are not the last time I'll be home. I need to know how to take care of myself, without being scared that doing so means being alone.

Do you know why you've been feeling this way now?

I guess I have a better idea. I mean, I didn't really realize that the doc not calling back affected me so much. And Laura said that I wasn't suicidal and that scared me because even though it's true, it's an assumption, and I don't want to be alone again just because people are assuming I'm ok. And taking the day off school scared me. It made me feel like I was back in N*land again, and everyone was going to hate me for being a slacker and faking illness. I felt like such a fraud, and that hurt because it meant denying that I was in pain- sickness pain and emotional pain- and that those feelings were valid. Even though I acted in the interest of my needs, I didn't take care of the guilt afterward, and I guess that set me up to feel really low. I'm scared that people won't like me, and after that, I thought they had reason not to. I thought my whole life really was going to be like the situation right now with my parents, and I don't want that. I don't want that pain and that nothing for forever.

I don't think you have to be. I really think that's why you're working so hard.

Am I working hard?

Did you just stay angry? Did you hurt yourself? Did you wait for someone to seek you out? Or did you call until someone answered, did you post on the message board, did you come here and pry into your feelings, hoping to uncover what was causing all this pain? You are being brave. You said to yourself- I feel crazy when I don't let myself feel. I feel angry, and I can't be angry, so I feel crazy. When I feel angry, generally, there is another emotion behind it. I need to get to that emotion because it will help me move through this anger, and because then I will know what I am facing. You recognized that you were angry, and that your anger was not the whole story. You went looking for the other emotions, afraid that there were none, afraid you wouldn't be able to find them, afraid they would overwhelm you. And you stayed with this even when the pain sparked up. You took that as a sign you were on the right track, and kept going. You didn't allow shame to censor you; even when you weren't sure where the thoughts were going, you followed them anyway. You were scared, and you are still scared, but you know that now. You know that now because you did the work to know that.

I'm afraid to go to sleep. If I go to sleep, I might wake up sick again. And I won't have done anything productive with this day.

It isn't up to you to "make" something of your days. It's up to you to face them, to look after yourself, to heal what you can based on what arises in you during the day. It isn't up to you to decide the course of your life, but rather, you move with it, surrendering and taking the lead as it feels right. Do what you can to let today be a day where you do not lead, where you do the hard things even though you don't feel joy in them. Imagine that God is like your therapist and says, I know this is going to be really difficult, but I want you to just try and postpone this test. I want you to just try and rest while you are feeling sick, to believe that you are in *real* pain and deserve to be taken care of in that. I want you to *try* to reach out and to feel what that brings up, and to continue working, even though this will not be easy, and it will not always feel good. And then I want you to try and trust that this is the path you want to be on.

Will I be safe? On that path? I don't even know who God is...

You do. You don't know the exact features, the exact powers, the exact name, but you know there is a reason you are still here, and Tracy is still here, and life is going on despite the pain. You know that something as horrible as all this cannot exist without something as good to balance it, and with all the bad that's in the world, the only balance can be something like what is called God. And because you don't know, you are free to look at it however you choose, however you need, in the moment. God can be a woman like those you've wanted to adopt you, a peer, an animal, a father, the universe. Because you don't know, you are free to interpret, and let that interpretation give you what you need. You are also free to not control your days and your future because you do not know all of what your choices are, and even though that is painful for you, ultimately it will be as good as not knowing the face of God. It will mean that you have endless options that give you, in each moment, exactly what you need.

Can someone love me?

Yes. They already do. The important thing, now, is that you can love you, too. Goodnight.

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