11:30 p.m. - 11/07/02
quickly.
there's so much I want to say. about how I absolutely love my physics teacher and the geeky jokes he makes on tests. how I am making friends at something-fishy and am still surprised that when I get e-mail from certain people, you or you for instance, I respond emotionally with, "oh, yeay, someone real. somehow certain d*land dearlings have crossed the boundaries of Internet illusion into tangibility. I want to express that. I also want to express how my sci-fi class is so good, and I thought my teacher really liked me, and now she's pissing me off, and I'm sad and mad and trying not to beat myself up for the fact that my grade is now higher than my grades have been in years but lower than it was. and last night I dreamed that I went back to my old high school (or actually, it was our middle school) and Rosie had transferred there. I was like, "Rosie?" and I took off my glasses to see more clearly, and she said my name and we hugged and I called her "honey" or something equally endearing, and she was a little upset because she had to explain to her friend how we knew each other. I told her we could know each other from summer camp, or just not tell, but she said no, it wasn't fair to be that glad to see each other, and leave everyone hanging on details. I woke up relieved that, somewhere in my subconscious, voices and forms are stored so clearly. it takes such work to piece them together in my mind...
then I would say how I missed it all again today, so desperately. and I was grieving over Tracy like it was an anniversary. it's so fucked up, that. I read through some old journal-like fiction of mine, unfinished novels, mostly and felt sad at my own former sadness, and afraid of the parts of it that still remained. I want to build a box I've wanted to build for sometime, and now I wonder at the good of what I want it for. but all this must wait because if I don't go to bed soon I won't wake up in time to study for tomorrow's two tests, and even though school does not rule my life (we rule the school) I will choose this time to pass psychology and government tests that are so very passable.
I got a 21/18 on my last quiz. And full credit on the free response she judged so harshly last time. I'm very much pleased, especially since I read the grade 12/18 at first and nearly cried. No wonder Mistrandy seemed happy when she handed me the (seemingly awful) news.
next week, I will have applied to Hampshire, and my life will not look like a rollercoaster run by someone taking LSD. a girl can dream.
chord
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