right now - 11/22/02
postmaster chordkid.
this is the post from something fishy. the one I'm supposed to remember writing when I feel shitty. the one I said I should put here because it will be easier to find. and look, I actually did so. how odd.
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gaining so much more than weight: november 19th
a few days ago I wrote a post about struggling with the things I had lost in my illness- the chances and opportunities I cannot get back now. how painful that is.
to me, it seems like there is a lot of weight-talk going on here right now, and I don't judge that; I think it's good that people are talking. I just need something else to be expressed here...so...guess I'll be the one to express it? this is about what else I'm *gaining*...what I've gained along with the weight. I'm at my weight now, but the gaining (beyond that) continues:
I am SO GLAD to be in recovery. Every day, I wake up grateful that my body managed to withstand the abuse long enough for my life to turn around. I wake up grateful for the sleep I've gotten, for the fact that my mind does not race so much these days, and there are nights when I truly relax long enough to sleep. And then I go about my day, and sometimes, my day absolutely sucks, and I'm still grateful. I'm grateful that I can feel it. I'm grateful that I KNOW my homelife is not what it should be, that my parents are not a true gauge of how relationships are, or how people take care of/ love each other. I go through my day and I'm grateful for those things I know are wrong, those things I feel...because...I went through so many years not being able to feel. Thank G*d I can be angry at my situation now. Thank G*d I can cry at my parent's incapacity, and at my own struggles. Thank G*d I can grin over a kind e-mail, and answer the phone call that will make my day...
No, my life is not what I want it to be. I still go through depressive episodes where I couldn't identify my "true self" in a police line-up. I struggle with meals sometimes; I throw myself into school on occasion because I don't believe I'm worth anything. But the fact that I *know now* that there is something else out there, that I can have something better than illness and compulsivity and isolation turns me around. I turn myself around. I reach out, I make a phone call, I do stream-of-consciousness writing until my defenses fall apart and I can find what I'm really feeling. and I'm so grateful for the pain (which I hate, which I moan and groan and scream about) because that pain keeps me aware of what I'm working on and what still needs to change.
I am grateful that after two years of being nearly mute and some seventeen years of not knowing how to have needs, I am now able to use my voice. I am grateful that after four years of injuring and starving and torturing and attempting to destroy my body, I have moments now where I am grateful for this one part of myself- the part that makes my soul and spirit and heart and mind capable of continuing. I couldn't have any of my joy without my body to house it, and I'm grateful. I'm grateful that after years of almost never being touched, and never being touched safely, once a week my therapist shakes my hand, and my heart is full of fishy (hug)s. I am so grateful for all of the bullsh*t that keeps me moving, keeps me going, keeps me focused on being somewhere other than where I am- physically, emotionally, and everything else. Not being at complete peace with my life does not mean I go back to my eating disorder; it means I keep moving away from it. The eating disorder is a part of the life that brought me all this pain. The recovery is what is giving me who I am.
I have gained a voice, a sense of self, healthy relationships, an ability to set safe boundaries, the right to nourish myself (body soul and tastebuds!), the ability to know and meet my needs, a willingness to exhibit my identity, a sense of courage, and so many more things than I can list. so many things that I am just beginning to know. I am not well, yet; I am not recovered yet...but I am so much better- my life is so much better than it was...I'm grateful I haven't come full circle yet. Because if things are this good when so much is still pain and struggling, then imagine how incredible life will be a week, month, year down the road. I am gaining *life*...and part of that means having a body capable of sustaining the joy. I don't care. My body nourished means my soul is nourished enough to accept that body. I feel good now, even when I feel like sh*t...because I can finally feel. And it's amazing.
so, in my humble opinion, screw the rest of it. I know those struggles are real, and I would never minimize them. I just wanted to point out (to myself at least...) that everything I'm gaining is real, too. thank G*d this life is real...
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sometimes I think "thank God" is more like "fucking A" than it is something spiritual...I'm not sure that came across to the religious fishies...
chord
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