2:25 p.m. - 12/13/02
ickly.
I have a migraine and a psych test. These two things do not go well together, though they probably work better than most test-migraine combinations would. I've been running around for the past hour or so, doing some mad tidying in hopes that I will have a clean room by the end of the weekend, packing for the Silje-trip, and studying. I've aggravated the symptoms that way, so now I'm just sitting with the fan on (wasn't I frigid a moment ago?) and breathing deeply. Maybe my stomach will stop spinning if the rest of me stills.
I'm totally looking forward to this trip except that I won't be able to journal. I hate not having computer access, mainly because I hate not having journal access. I'm spoiled now. I have a really hard time making myself write in a paper journal. Not that I didn't have that sort of trouble before, but it's like- if I'm not going to be able to write it down almost as quickly as I can think, why bother at all? Why write anything if I can't write everything. Silliness.
And I'm also a little worried about will I be able to hold up a conversation with someone I haven't seen in so long, and also, will I be able to eat my meals. I guess I'm not so much worried about eating as I am about everything that leads up to eating. I'm more worried about the possibility of having to buy food than I am having to eat it. Which may sound really odd, but it's my agoraphobia, not my eating disorder. I have a huge fear of checking out any product- food or otherwise. Because I won't have enough money, and someone will drag me away in a hugely embarrassing scene, and I will never again be good. I think it has something to do with growing up in near-poverty- and never believing I had enough to offer. Who knows...
I had a dream last night that I didn't get into Hampshire. The rejection letter was really confusing; it didn't say anything flat-out, but I looked up one of the words in the opening sentence and it had something with "to wave away"- to reject. I keep trying to prepare myself for the possibility that I won't get in, but I honestly don't know how to do so. I figure, if I don't get in, it will be a huge blow. And I'll do crisis control, and I'll survive. But it really will be crisis control. And it's hard to go into that mode before the crisis occurs.
In my head, I can tell myself all these logical-sounding things like "there are no mistakes in the universe" and "I know what I want. If I don't get into Hampshire, I will find another place to experience and become those things." And I think I will eventually come to those ideas emotionally, too, if the worst should happen...but...that doesn't change the fact that I could bite my nails until I didn't have any, if I had ever learned to bite my nails at all.
I'm really trying to write what I need to before losing computer access, but GOD the queasiness...
The family building is going well. Julian said something really interesting to me about it the other day, reiterating something everyone has been saying about how they don't really think of their chosen families in terms of nuclear families. (As in, someone is just a member of their family. They aren't a sister, cousin, aunt, et cetera.) And why should they be? Why should chosen families be modeled after nuclear ones? I think it's a really good point. After all, I'm trying to get out of the crappiness of my nuclear world. I think the reason I wanted to define what doesn't have to be defined is because I want to distinguish between family and friends. To be in my family is kind of a huge thing to me; it means a lot right now, and there is a difference between those people who are or could be in my family and those who are friends. Neither is less than the other exactly; there's just this need in my head for distinction. So maybe if I just keep it clear in my head that this person is in my family, without trying to fit them into a silly little nuclear box (though talking in terms of those boxes can be fun), I'll be ok.
I'm kind of looking forward to next semester. I'll still be in most of my favorite classes- physics, (which I am kicking ass in, by the way), psych, and so forth with sociology and pop culture added. I'll miss science fiction, but I already have a list of books we didn't read that I need to (as collected from my textbook), and I'm sure I have friends capable of recommending more once I have time to do actual reading. I'm also kind of intrigued by the idea that if I do get into Hampshire, next semester I will be incapable of saying, "I have to do this or I won't get into college." I think I'm just excited about the prospect of learning being fun again, even though I know that off and on, it won't be.
I have all these things I want to do, but don't have time for, all these projects I haven't been able to start or finish. I want to finish the art piece and the fuck-off poster I've barely started, make a mix tape, work on my book of Rogers people, create a family-becoming album, make a toolbox and a soul-survival kit, on and on and on. I wonder if I'll have time to do any of it over Winter Break. I think just working on some of it would be fun. Time for projects that don't really have anything to do with anything, except being me. And does anything really matter that much?
I feel incapable of being interesting at the moment. And it's nearly test time, so I'll scoot. I probably won't update earlier than Sunday, so don't freak. I'll live.
chord
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