7:20 p.m. - 01/08/03
!:why don't you make the rules?*!
pt.1: for every lie I unlearn, I learn something new.
days like this (most days) I have visions of the moment within which I will pick up my one-time guidance counselor by the ankles and use her to beat my geometry teacher. I had a meeting, my regularly scheduled session, with the doc today, and afterward- while he met briefly with my mom (who had earned the time by spazzing a bit prior to the session)- I went into the bathroom and flicked off the memory of them. it's outrageous, really, not that I understood it then. and I do feel, as he sometimes suggests I might, like I am simply a programmed mechanism acting in a greater matrix. I hate this. this blasted conditioning. this, "I know what I know and it's not what you say, and I trust my heart and I hate you, but I still feel so strongly that I must do as I was told." fourteen years of my life they had to condition me. he said- he promised- that I will break through it within the next few years. it was like having a neurologist promise me I'd survive brain cancer; I honestly thought he'd lost his (trained) mind. But when I asked if he could really promise that he simply said, "Yes. I promise. Based on your developmental path." Based on all the work I've done until now. Based on how quickly I've spun my way out of this web. Based on all the strength I didn't know then that I had. you should measure the tide in my heart when I remember those words.
the outrage is only emphasized by yesterday's discussions on the evil and the blindness in our (or shall I say "their") educational system. it was slightly more pertinent, however, as I went to him with the knowledge that if I'm to take the ACT in time to submit applications for the spring semester deadlines, I need to register within the week. I have a strong suspicion that if I hadn't gone to see him, I would be compelled to do so. having gone to see him I have far more information about my own motivation, about myself, but am perhaps further from a decision. he gives advice the way I like advice, though: personalized and open-ended. never "do this" but rather "answer this question." I've realized recently that it's pretty much the only type of advice I'll accept. the only kind that doesn't make the pot boil up a bit, going, "what, can't I take care of myself? what do you mean, 'this is what I should do?!' why do you assume you understand the situation or my needs better than I do?" (the exception, if you're worried, is shared experience, which I accept often, especially when given gently.)
when we came in, I was thinking only that I can't receive a rejection letter from Hampshire without any alternatives; I made the decision when I received their first letter that I would have more power in the future. I was thinking only that I can't apply to the Gallatin program without taking the ACT, and that's the only other viable option I've found, since deciding that the lack of in-place relation in Florida makes New College less plausible for the moment. he asked if the Gallatin program was an at all close second to Hampshire, and I explained that while the somewhat-intriguing program has its downfalls (less individualized, possibly with grades- I'm not sure) it would be in NYC, where I already have friends/ family, where I could use the city as a classroom. those aren't small perks. but the program itself? does it make me sigh and feel like myself and think, "I claim my freedom" the way Hampshire once (pre-all-this-bullshit) did? no. it feels like a bone thrown to the gifted. it feels like school, not like learning- whether or not there's truth in that feeling. and what I really want is alternate sustenence, not a bone to gnaw.
he asked how important that alternative was to me. I told him that in general, the idea of alternatives- of choices- is hugely important to me. the idea of alternate schools really hasn't struck me. the idea of having a second choice school is about as aversive as having a second choice lover. it's not that I think I can know my perfect school, but I can't make myself comfortable in the idea of settling for something less than what I want. I can't make myself accept the concept of fitting myself into a college instead of fitting a college into me. and I want to study, I want to connect, I want to learn, but I just can't do it this way.
if a school asked me to give my weight on an application, as if this were as important as my future plans, I would never send it in. but I consider willingly sending them a number that quantifies my intellectual worth about as well as weight quantifies my physical worth. I can't stand it. I've joked with myself over the past few months, saying how my "ethical opposition" to standardized testing should compell an exemption from the requirement. I finally realized today that I'm not kidding when I call this an ethical issue. I didn't save the frog in seventh grade bio, and I sure as hell want to show more respect for myself than I did zir. what struck me, finally, as I realized it was an issues of numbers- of the power they have had within my life (weight, calories, percentages, points)- and how firmly I believe they can't define me- as I realized it's about how firmly I believe these tests are inaccurate, destructive, unjust, et cetera and whether I'm willing to act based on my beliefs- that I no longer understood why I was *considering* doing it. which of course became my next question? why, when this is so against who I am, would I even let it wander through my mind?
because there are pay-offs. the opportunity to go to school in New York, with friends, in a program I might love, near enough to work with RMM short-distance. because I need alternatives, but more than anything else (and by a margin I can't even explain) I'm considering this because it's information other people need. as in: I might believe, or want to believe, that I am good enough because of my essential self and all the work I put into living a worthwhile life, but Other People need the number. they need to see that it's not my inability to succeed on the traditional path that keeps me from taking it, it's my personal distaste for it. they need to see that I am perfect by their standards, so they can accept me as I am. I need to live up to what they need. I need to take the ACT and score perfectly. I need to cast my own light against Sarah's shadow (upset by a near-perfect score because her best friend received said-perfect score) and prove to my parents, my teachers, hell, even the doc- that I am a worthwhile kid. I'm "smart" and therefore, I deserve your time.
I want to show them. I want another little bean for my counter (as he put it) so that I can go back to Neverland- which I don't even plan to do- and say, "See?! You were wrong! I was smart, and I *am* smart, and I'm making something of myself, despite the fact that I already *am* something: someone spectacular, who deserved your respect all along! See?! You should not have tried to kick me out, you should not have screamed at me until I had panic attacks, you should not have overlooked the abusive environment in that school, and you should not have conveniently "forgotten" I was suicidal. You should not have treated me like scum when my GPA dropped. You should have cared for me consistently, not just when it felt worthwhile. Because I've always been worthwhile. I'll prove it; if I can draw your attention to Exhibits A- M..."
I want to beat them on their own court, even though I know it's impossible. I want to show them, even though I know I can never do enough. Even though I know that in their world "perfect" is the standard, and even a 110% isn't anything when you could have gotten a 115- somehow, someway, you could have...Even though I know that they would never accept defeat. They would be brilliantly ignorant again, superior by pure ability to deny. They would smile with sugar in their teeth and say, "See? We always knew you could make it if you applied to it. You're so smart and creative; we knew you could do it if you tried." It's worse than being told they think I'm awful. It's being told I'm confused, nothing ever happened, I'm misled. It's John saying a few years back, "they'd tar & feather me and run me out of town on a rail right now if they could. But when I'm famous, I won't be able to help it; signs at the city limits will read 'Home of John Lastname.'" You did it? Of course you did; we knew you would. You failed? It's so sad; you had such potential; if you'd only taken the road we told you to take.
taking the ACT, I'd be asking for cheap affirmation. I'd be rolling the dice, saying, "please God, let me break the thirty mark, let me earn their approval." "cheap" affirmation at one hell of a price, considering the act itself reinvests my faith there. Dr. R said that even if there is a line between what we feel and what we do, it can be exceedingly difficult to explain that to our heart. and I didn't save the frog in seventh grade. it might be different, and this makes me sad- if this was a necessary step into the future world. but there has to be another way. Hampshire doesn't require ACT scores. there are ways to learn without college, pained as I am to say that. there is a place for me, and if I have to sell myself again to pay my way there, it isn't worth the trip. I'll stay here (just, let "here" be somewhere other than D!@#$%^, which will force soul-corrosion as well) before I'll pay that price again.
pt.2: so if I am not/ who you thought/ I was gonna be/ well, hello, it's nice to meet you.
what really hurts me is the idea that this is unacceptable. a surefire way to learn to trust myself is to act as if I do, and I know that (I've experienced that), but all the same at this point, I don't believe that people will continue to think highly of me if I don't take and do well on this test. if I don't apply, get accepted, and go to a Good college. if I don't attend on time, take challenging classes, and continue achieving what they expect on their schedule. I know that this is impossible. I know this is insane. I know this helped cause my emotional/ spiritual death once, and put me near a physical one. yet. I consider. because I remember the scorn of classmates when I began to fumble in my AP-honor-student-facade. I remember the scorn and the disregard. and even though the teachers I didn't lose respect for me (they gained concern)- I still feel everyone will. teachers, friends, anyone. Chas is a teacher. she'll hate me if I don't go to college. Chas is a free spirit who despises anything that hurts the individuals she meets through her job. but she'll hate me, if I don't get to 35 and go all Ivy-League. she's an example. it applies to everyone. everyone.
what I really want to know, more than what I should do, more than what I deserve, is that it isn't true. what I really need right now is the support to do what's right for me and fuck the system. or rather, to avoid what's wrong for me. I don't know right now if the Gallatin program is where I want to be, but deciding not to apply right now does not mean I can't apply in the future, even take the ACT in the future. what I do *know* now is that I despise the dismantling of individuals, the assigning of numbers to complex creatures. what I do know is that having lived my life that way for so long, it's even more important that I choose against it now. healthy people may occasionally miss meals; recovering bulimarexics can't. I have to do what's right for me. because that's who I want to be. because I'll never live up to their rules no matter what I do. because I refuse, I absolutely refuse to continue taking life advice from "people [I] wouldn't even ask directions from today."* I just refuse.
My strict German, AP Euro instructor used to sit me down and help me finish tests. She used to stop me on the way out of class, crying, saying I needed to give myself credit for how intelligent I was. She was the most unyielding instructor (though not person) I think I encountered there, and she treated me like such a human. The people who judged me were brutes. The people who matter care about me. They were upset when we almost lost her once, and they wouldn't encourage losing her again. They wouldn't. You wouldn't.
So because I know this in my head and not my heart - because I will learn it in time, but have to survive tonight - do tell me, if you have the words.
chord
*geneen roth
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