2:40 p.m. - 01/17/03
blah. honesty.
This nervousness is really not amusing me. Worrying, fidgeting, tension...it can all go away anytime it pleases. Or how about when I please? How about right now? It's a few minutes before school, and I'd probably be better off if I'd taken those meds I thought I was past needing (for school) but I struggle to make myself do it. I don't feel like my anxiety right now is justified (which I guess is why it's a disorder; if I only felt anxious when there was reason to, there wouldn't be a problem, would there) so it's hard to medicate it. Actually, medicating (I realized yesterday) makes me feel like the illness isn't real. Whatever illness it is. I associate it with when I was little, and if I receive any sort of response to my pain, then I was only faking to receive that response. If I see a doctor, take pills, cop out of an engagement etc, I've made the whole thing up to do so. If I tough it out, the pain is real. That's a really uncool thought process. It needs to change. I've overwhelmed right now by how many things need to change.
I'm the type of girl who doesn't clean her room because when she looks around she can't decide what to pick up first. I don't know how to pick up my own mind, and I'm lonely in that helplessness. I want to talk to the doc more than once a week, even just by phone, but I don't know if I *really* want it or if I just don't want to feel alone whe I do. He's going out of town the week after next. I think I'll lock myself in the bathroom for that week.
Good healthy thoughts. Gracious.
I'm struggling with feminism again, too. It took me a really long time to label myself a feminist because the poor dears have such a skewed reputation. Even though it makes sense to have as many diverse, individual feminists join the movement as is possible, in order to further unhinge the stereotype, I was scared to enter it because I might be viewed through the stereotype. I'm so scared of how other people will treat me if they know (or think they know) who I am.
I posted "Alarm" at sf today, i.e. "came out" as a feminist who knows her share of curse words. Why does it feel like such a risk, such a shame, such a "never mind this part of me; it's just a silly habit I have"...I mean, it's strength. It's important. There's socially inherent sexism being perpetuated, hindering and destroying lives, and I have to be against that. I have to be able to say I'm against that. But I don't want to feel judged, and I see them judge feminists. The way my family calls my favorite musicans "angry girls." Yesterday, the doc said something to the effect of he'd expected the CD to be more angry, from what I've told him of my family's reaction, when it really wasn't like that. I explained that Tori was a little older than what the relatives consider past the line, but when I tried to think of someone who would fit their description, I couldn't. Ani explains in her own music why she's not that definition. "I am not an angry girl" and "if you're not angry, then you're just stupid you don't care." Why is it that I can release six sad CDs and not be labeled the sad girl, but if I release one song with an angry chorus, I become my anger? Look what happened to Alanis Morissette in the wake of Jagged Little Pill. (One of the things I most admire about her is how she didn't allow that to shape who she is.) The best example I could think of was Gina Young (though at the moment Kittie comes to mind) but as soon as I did, her line "it's not my fucking fault/ that I've had to be the hard one" popped into my head. I don't understand this. Why do I have to defend them as not being "angry girls" and how on earth do I do so without taking their right to express anger? I love Gina Young. I love the Kittie songs I've heard. I love the rage that quits centuries of suppression, forces itself outward. But I'm scared. I'm scared of that in myself. I talked a little while back about not wanting to be in relationships because as soon as I am, I'll be labeled. I'll either be the "straight" definition of Mary or the "gay" definition of Mary, based on the first person I date; I really believe that (within my family) will happen. And obviously, I feel more akin on many levels to the gay definition. The one that breaks gender roles, allows feminism, gives me a link to childhood friendships, lets me be strong and equal. (I'm not saying any of these things can't happen in a hetersexual relationship, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to maintain them yet, and I think- perhaps wrongly- that certain other people will expect me to conform the traditional standards if I end up in a straight relationship. And it's true, all of it is, but there are parts of me that fit the straight stereotype, too, parts that are scared to be left behind. I'm scared of having to be that strong; I want to be soft sometimes. I'm scared of how I sometimes *want* to be taken care of (not to be dominated, the way my f*cking psych book says) but to have someone temporarily look after me a bit parentally. (I do not want my whole relationship to be this way, and I'm ashamed to admit I feel it at all, but I guess it's nice to have people look after you even when you're a superheroine.) I'm strong and I feel all emotions including anger, but I'm also sweet and silly. I bounce back and forth between androgyny and girlygirlhood. There are periods where I wear a bra for days on end, including when I sleep, and others where I don't wear one at all. I choose to shave/ not shave purly on a whim. And I hate the idea of having to compromise any of that, which I know means I just have to be strong enough in it to stay myself no matter what "sort" or relationship I'm in, or more truly, how others view that relationship. (After all, the person I decide to relate to probably *won't* look at things in such a black and white fashion.) I'm just not completely sure how to do this. I guess the truth is I'm not completely sure it's ok.
I'm being frightfully honest here; please be gentle with me.
When they aren't used to constrict, I like labels. I mean, I'm more than my labels, but the combination of them can be interesting. What happens when I tell you I'm a warrior and a pacifist? There's truth in the places where my oddness overlaps, and I like that. I like these words that help explain me (not define, explain)...but I'm so scared to use them. I'm really unsure of where I "fit" right now, and that's part of why I'm so scared. I feel like a fraud everywhere because being myself is so new to me and because I'm so frightened I'll be judged, I keep my identity restrained. I don't fit in with my high school classmates, but I don't feel ready for college. I don't feel at home with people who are sick, but recovery is a huge part of my life, and to be around people who don't understand how important it is for me to work with/against this illness right now is also odd. I don't fit where I live (obviously) and wouldn't even if I were able to enter the community here. I feel too unique, to undefined. There must be something wrong with me if no one else is living a similar life. If I can't find anyone who is.
I have a tendency to segment myself, to separate my personality and my experience into pieces. (It's actually also something I do with my food, which I am working on right now. It does, however, make me really good at quickly organizing a mess. That is, if I can get past the aforementioned time of being overwhelmed by it.) I know that's what I'm doing here, but I really am scared to change it. If I find out who I am, I'll feel less judged, but what if I never feel fulfilled? What if I discover that I really am completely different than the rest of the world, which sounds arrogant, but is how I've felt for most of my life. I don't know. I know it's my lack of identity that's making me feel so lonely (well, that and D!@#$%^)...but I *feel* like it's my inability to conform, even among the nonconformists. I know there have to be people who can accept all the parts of me, that I don't have to find a group that does, but I want that kind of support. Like with my spirituality, it's a huge part of who I am, and I can't compromise it to pray with other people...however, the fact that no religion seems to fit me, (or vice versa) means I lose that sense of spiritual belonging and support. I don't like any of this. I don't want to be different. I don't want to be the only person who can be me. I don't want to be alone.
Damnit. It all comes back to the fact that I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid to be strong again because it might mean having no one left to help me. I'm just afraid.
chord
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