4:30 p.m. - 01/21/03
the white knight is talking backwards.
it's just a first draft. again.
Pawns and Queens
long ago
when I only had reason to know
death as individuals leaving life
in the order that they came
I adopted an antidote to ease the pain
which comes with grieving, the same one
so many children know:
don't grieve the loss. focus your sight
where it is the passing people go
inside a heaven white with clouds
bright light that not a single shadow crowds
old souls, new friends, alive again
it's beautiful. so cry at the beauty
if you must cry. don't lose yourself
just because some people die.
and it worked
so long as I had no reason to apply
it - worked so long as I never had to try
and piece the scraps of self together
with those words -alone-
it worked so long as the proof
came in presumption, never shown
through cold experience.
faith grows rusty without exercise
and the part of my heart that denies
anything happened is the same
part fearing I don't have a prayer
go ahead, talk if you must but
don't expect to find it evident
that someone's there.
here.
there is no natural light
the shadows adapt new density each day
here I can't remember how to pray
let alone gauge if there's someone
near who understands. reaching for
hands they tell me play harps now
shoulders unrecognizable behind the wings
here I count compulsively
all that death takes and know nothing
of what it brings.
that's the lesson I wish I'd been taught
wish the instructors of my childhood
had brought into my shadowed world: belief
in the reality that I didn't lose you
the day they called to say you'd died
though sometimes I cannot see you
through the tears that slide
out of my eyes like black lace
in a morning veil. often I cannot
hear you over the wail
loud as loss herself inside me.
I wish constantly I had believed
in all the ways you'd stay close by
rather than, "you can play chess
with Einstein when you die."
rather than "let her go,
she's peaceful; you'll get by."
that's how it should have been
but then, if we're being technical
you should not be gone. I shouldn't need
my faith and grief so desperately
to keep you close to me, technically
none of us should have been
put through your death just yet
left with the constant need
never to remember. never to forget.
I shouldn't have to grow past
the age that you, my elder, never will.
I shouldn't have to miss you
with a pain that kills
almost as much as your ilness
in as short a time.
I shouldn't have to know you suffered
pain as keen as mine
and never made it to the other side.
at least, not while I knew you, tangibly
not while you were alive.
and yes, I do believe
you're still growing even as I grieve
your inabilty to do so, do you
know how many gifts I have received
just since the day I started to believe
in you post-death? let me catch my breath
I'll run through the list as quickly
as I can. I know
that life doesn't depend solely on the body
so it can't be extinguished
quite so quickly as a flame
friendship, too, demands a longer stay
I've learned to look for you in all-new ways
to see what my senses, cynics, sometimes miss
and more than this: I've learned
how very deeply I can feel; that
I can survive the thing I least want to believe
is real. I've learned my love for you
is valid proof that I am human
and that the essence of you remains
I've learned you're here despite the distance,
despite the death, the loss, the pain.
after all, as Einstein told me in a chess game long ago
energy is infinite and I know (now)
you are also endless; oh, my friend
I've learned so much, and I'm so grateful
even though I can't pretend the knowledge
justifies the means. even with you here
I miss you. you're too marvelously human
to fit between the bright white and the light in
such a way. this is the love of pawns and queens
inside a game they never meant to play.
you are the beauty that I cry for
everyday.
*
chord
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