1:30 p.m. - 01/25/03
setting myself up to be knocked down.
argh. a little freaked right now. I'm going to try and figure out the thoughts behind it all, and then I'm going to let it alone. maybe go on im and see if I can talk to someone about random and more interesting things. I don't feel that great right now. it scares me.
I've just been doing really stupid things lately. Really stupid things. and I've completely lucked out in spite of them- the things I've done have all turned out ok or even well- but that's completely based on outside forces. What I did, in itself, could completely have sabotaged me. And I hate that. I hate that I don't seem to realize until an hour later that I did something really not good.
Example. And this is the one that turned out really well, and that I am in retrospect, very glad about. I'm just not glad about what it means about my own level of sanity at the moment. I left a note for blondeness the other day. I was working with the atomgirl profile, and I saw her name there and realized how long it had been, so I went and read her most recent entry, a poem that really struck me. I left her a note to say so. There's nothing wrong with that. Except. I had no clue at that point how she felt about me, and as far as I knew, there was no difference between leaving that note for her and leaving it for Billy or Spacecake or someone else who decided I was unworthy of any positive feeling after things fell apart with Crow. I was basically setting myself up to get attack, and it is entirely out of the goodness in Sue's heart that such was not the case. The problem is what could have happened, and that- it's a trend. I'm trying to get hurt and I don't know why. I feel a little crazy.
Just now, I went to stop-pro-ana, which has reappeared with a change in management. And as fully against pro-ana as I am, as hurt by it as I am, it really isn't a good place for me to be. The person who runs it (or possibly the person who ran it before, or both) doesn't have much understanding of triggers. Pro-ana sites are named. Links to articles against pro-ana that include pictures from the websites are included. The bulletin boards are not monitored, meaning that pro-ana is voiced in those forums at least as often as the intended perspective. It's generally a good idea poorly executed (in light of my personal needs. I imagine it could be an ok source for people who don't have eating disorders.)
Anyway, I decided to post in this forum. I decided to say: no, anti-pro-ed(?) does not attack people with eating disorders. In fact pro-ed attacks people with eating disorders. There's no such thing as support in a pro-ed community; you're helping each other die, and that's all. You're hurting people who want to get better and people who've lost a loved one to this illness. This isn't ok. I know this because I have an eating disorder, because I have friends with eating disorders, because I lost a dear girl to this illness, because I lost large parts of myself. I know what you are missing staying out of recovery, and I know what you are setting yourself and those you love up to meet. It's a hard enough illness to beat when you're trying...It's important to fight, fight with everything you have.
I ended it with words along the lines of "please respect that I am in recovery, and refrain from posting pro-ed responses in this particular thread. I'd like to be able to safely read responses." and then I went to post it, and there were problems because (I realized later) I hadn't exactly confirmed my account with the board, and so I couldn't post. and I realized this is a hugely good thing. I would have been drawing as much negative energy as positive, maybe more. I would have been drawing myself into debates I'm not safe to handle. I was, in essence, setting myself up to be told I'm wrong. To be told I'm stupid and not-accepting, two very painful accusations. And honestly, I don't know what right we have to say stop-pro-ana. I know that I hate it, I know that it's destructive, I know that it's entirely wrong, even though those inside of it are not bad for being a part of it. It's the movement that's awful, not the people inside of it. They're choosing to support something deadly, and that hurts me. But...aren't there also sites on how to make bombs? Aren't there also sites with deadly prejudice? I mean, it seems weird to single this out. I guess I feel like something needs to change, but I doubt whether it's ok for me to believe that. I feel like it's horrible that these sites are everywhere, that they exist at all, but why should it matter what I feel?
Like I said...not in the best of places right now.
It doesn't help that I received the first reply ever to one of my scathing letters. I'd sent it to a local newsstation, protesting the recent focus piece they did on how "eating less helps you live longer." The problem with this particular letter was I didn't actually watch the piece. I was protesting based on a radio spot promoting it, which is not the type of thing I'd normally do. (I normally pay much more attention.) But I needed to say something and I figured if they could say, "oh, but, what about when we said *blah blah blah*" that made it ok, all the better. I mean, please, tell me it was actually a good piece. Go for it.
So I receive this response that's all "I respectfully disagree" without a hint of respect. At least, I was kind enough to show real emotion in mine, rather than hiding behind language and superiority. It did make a few points about the piece itself: A doctor had said that cutting "too deeply" into ones calorie count is dangerous, even given some examples of consequences. (ooh! impressive! please.) and the end had been something along the lines of "the best idea is to eat healthy and exercise." right. do people even hear that cliche anymore? who pays attention to disclaimers these days?
the big argument he gave, though, was in response to my, "this is a completely inappropriate article in the current climate and" (basically, implied) "you are only doing this because you're a commercial business who cares more about ratings than you do about actually serving your audience. fuckers." but see, I'm *so wrong* because- "it was based on a legitimate medical study." right. do you know how many studies there are out there? do you know how many studies disagree with your study? do you know what sexism is? do you understand how destructive the media is right now? do you know that eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness? do you know that I nearly died from one and my roommate did? do you know that you're a complete asshole and your weak arguments do nothing to convince me?
here's the big thing. they may have not been supporting "the enemy" - but that isn't enough in the current scheme of media. that isn't enough in a world where there's pro-ana, victoria's secret, e-diets, on and on and on. either fight it or shut up. but don't tell me you're just doing your job reporting on a medical study. this was your *focus* story. this was your *hook.* this was how you grabbed viewers away from the competition. this is how you used and abused your audience and lost me as a viewer. so fuck that. and fuck your defensiveness. fuck your inability to see my point, you bastards.
*sigh* there's a post on sf right now about the use of profanity on the boards. apparently some people consider it a sign you don't respect yourself or the people you're talking to. in this case- and only in these cases, where I use it directly toward a person- I don't respect them. but as for me, I gained respect for myself the day I started swearing. it was one of the few ways that my feelings became more important than other's perceptions of me. it was a very big step.
I don't know. I'm just really tired right now. I feel like I'm fighting a battle that no one else understands. Like I'm saying things and no one hears me, let alone agrees. The pro-life shit all around. The anti-life (pro-ed) shit all around. The fact that I'm trying to figure out my relationality and one of my fears is that if I'm gay, I'm no longer credible on acceptance. I mean, it shouldn't matter how I know what I know, so long as I *know* it...but I feel like it does. I feel like gay-rights are more credible when a straight person sees them. I feel like feminist issues are more credible spoken by a guy. Even though it's the people *in* the minority who can best represent themselves, I feel like I'll only be *heard* if I don't have a personal bias. "Oh, right. Of course you hate the media. You have an eating disorder." Such bullshit, all of it.
I just wish I knew enough about my worth to respect my own opinions.
chord
p.s. still no word from Rogers. that really does not help. kindly snail mail much appreciated at the moment...
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