9:15 p.m. - 05/15/03
be true and be strong.
I have less than fifteen entries left before I reach the number at which atomgirl stopped. It's odd; that ending seems so important, feels so real, but at the same number here, I feel like things are just beginning. Granted, I still prefer being called Atoms, but I prefer being Chord. My session today went really well. I was nervous, but I spoke audibly, joked a little, talked honestly... All good things. And when he walked into the waiting room he called me Miss Mary. I love it when he does that, especially when I'm not crying or something - when he just sees me and calls me that. He's such a good little Superdoc.
And the session went on for nearly two hours, a fact which scared my mom into thinking something was (more seriously) wrong with me. I told her we talked a long time about meds, which is true. It's very not cool for a girl on anti-migraine and sleeping meds to be enduring migraine and insomnia. He changed the sleeping med to something that's supposedly more "fast-acting" and stays in one's system longer. So now I officially feel like I'm being sedated. I didn't manage to stay entirely silent about my med-concerns, though. I did ask him if, once the sleep cycle was restored, this would be something I could go off of...he said, given enough time to readjust and expect sleep, we could...but it might also help with anxiety, so we might not. Blasted pills. I wonder what color it is...
He asked if I wanted to plan more for the work we're going to start after graduation (the official phobia-fighting.) I told him that, considering I was already tense and anxious, I didn't really want to talk about something that always makes me feel panicky, and he thought that was smart. So we talked about the current events in my world instead - the absolute elation about graduating, the shit with my parents, the shit about post-graduation, and some bones left over from Billy and I. He doesn't know we were talking about Billy and I; at least, he didn't tell me he did (but then, he has magical mind-reading powers, so one never knows.) I talked about the most recent experience that set off all the alarms for me, and how even though I think it's a false alarm in terms of the relationship, I think it's a real alarm for me, personally. It doesn't take a lot for me to freak out and think that somehow I've ended up back in that time... Remember when my dear N*land friend made a vague guestbook signing ("an old friend") and entirely terrified me? There are still so many switches so easily tripped, and I know we need to go into it. I just don't want to. I'm not even going into it here. All I want to say, as I write this, is that I don't mean to make it sound like he's evil or like I didn't love him. I swore I'd never reduce it that way, though I'm a different person now and that promise doesn't always stand tough against the currents. I talked about that "most recent experience" in pretty harsh detail, but I wouldn't talk about the memories. I know I need to. I need to not feel on fire and one inch tall when I say his name out loud. The doctor said we could try and talk next week in a way that outlines the perimeter of those areas which still feel scary to broach. I'm not sure what other ones there are. I don't have many secrets left. I still have a hard time telling someone about food I've eaten, and I had a hard time telling him I wasn't getting enough sleep because I had to tell him I was getting about six hours, and I still hear in my head that sleep is like golf (and everything else when I was in middle school) - the lower your number, the better.
There aren't many things that shut my throat now, otherwise. Chelsie, somewhat. I guess that's progress. I need to take that in.
He also told me he received my e-mail, and was sorry he hadn't read it earlier. I told him that if it had felt important, I would have let him know about it (i.e. called him prior to the appointment - because I know he never checks his e-mail) and that I honestly don't remember much of what I said. I just needed to say it so I could survive the weekend. He said it seemed to him like we had covered a lot of what I said Tuesday, and I think we did. I told him that my main memory of writing that e-mail is wanting to start every sentence with "I'm sorry" - a consequence of how hard I was beating myself up, and I know that we talked about *that* - and it's improved a bit. Then, when the session was ending, I told him that the only thing I felt like we needed to address from the e-mail (i.e. the only thing I still remember) was that (choke, pause, cough) I feel like he can somehow reconnect me to Rogers. He can somehow make that all ok. He's the one who can get Dave to answer my questions or magically fix all the problems with having that be home. He asked if I wanted to start there Tuesday, and I told him I didn't know. I want to talk about it, and I don't. I've spent almost all of my free time lately in my sketchy-journal (which is entirely devoted to them) and crying... I know we need to talk about it. I just have a hard time doing so...
He said that even when we don't talk about Rogers, he still thinks about it. He said he's still waiting for the day when I believe that part of the "magic" there came from me. I suppose I'll wait with him; he's good company, anyway.
I'm wondering how much my sleep-deprviation is keeping this entry from being interesting and guessing quite a bit. Guess we have to invest hope in the new pills. ...But before I go, I have to share something fabulous: Henry Bishop -a.k.a. everyone's favorite Winter Machine trannyboy - e-mailed me today. I e-mailed him months ago, but was still totally thrilled. How cool is that? And to be completely corny, the simplicity of it was even cooler. I read the e-mail, and I laughed at the funny part, and I went on with my day. I was less excited by it than I am by e-mail and phone calls from my close friends, and I think that's cool. I don't need those hugely-exciting pick-me-ups anymore. A message like Laura's today that says, "MARY WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU... You're talented, intelligent, compassionate and beautiful inside and out. We have been blessed by your presence in our lives. Please keep us posted on where your life and travels are taking you and where you are taking life!!! x0x0x0" is more than enough to make my day.
Actually, I'm becoming more than enough to make my day. Godd, I wish I could give this to everyone. I wish I could take someone's hand and hold it until they felt what I feel. The peace that makes life so compelling, you can't go back to sickness. I'm getting better. I didn't need encouragement from one of the best musicians ever. I have access to so much I didn't have before, and so much of that store is in me. How cool is that?
chord
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