9:45 a.m. - 11/17/01
rotten.grrl...
I suppose this will be quick because reading Cami's journal just now brought me to the very strong realization that what I really need to be doing right now is listening to the tape she sent me just before I left for RED and perhaps continuing to reclaim what I keep being told is my room. I wrote to Judie yesterday to let her know that as much as I love her and as much as she's done for me, it really is time for us to go our separate ways. I really hope she agrees, and that she understands the timing. I talked with Stacy about it yesterday, and Stacy reminded me rather directly that I should not allow it to be Judie's decision, it's mine, and I understand that (I'm pretty sure Judie understands that as well) it'd just be so much *easier* if Judie wrote back saying, "I've been thinking this, too, but wanted to see what conclusions you'd come to" instead of "What the fuck are you saying??" (I picked the most downright impossible catchphrase in order to keep my impending panic attack from invading this entry.
::clicks for Sleater-Kinney sonog to play a second time in lieu of Cami tape::
So something is rotten in the state of D!@#$%^, as evidenced by the following events of the past week:
1.) Mary is restricting. (Me, to Stacy yesterday: "Well, I'm not really talking to anyone." Stacy: "Well! That might be why you're restricting!" Me: "I *know*...*sigh* But there's no one to talk to!" -insert her futile attempt to think of someone I can talk to- "Yeah. That's hard. But you have to stop restricting!"
2.) Mary's supposed to be meal plan thus far this morning: 2-3 grains, 2 fats, 1 fruit, 1 milk, 1 optional protein.
Mary's actually completed meal plan thus far this morning: 1 grain, 0 fats, 1 fruit, 1/2 milk, 0 protein.
3.) Increasingly worse body image relying mainly on the belief that I have gained a great deal of weight (due to all my excess eating) since I discharged from the hospital, and that this is the reason that no one could possibly be around right now to love and listen to me.
4.) Complete inability to inform *one person* that I am home.
5.) Up to 15 hours of sleep a night.
6.) Aforementioned sleep filled completely with dreams of Red.
7.) Inability to feel except when on the phone with Red and directly following.
8.) Resentment toward everyone responsible for me not remaining at Red.
9.) Blatant refusal to continue with my life.
10.) Irrational argument that only purging is problematic, restricting and exercising are all fine and dandy.
11.) Consistent belief that if I just get thin, things will be calmer, and I won't feel as horrible.
Does Mary know better than all of this? Yes. Does Mary care that she knows better than all of this? No. Is Mary only doing this to get attention? Ask again later. The problem is, I've done a lot worse than miss a few exchanges for attention. As they say at Red, we say "need attention" like it's a bad thing - sometimes it's a very real thing. Sometimes we're going crazy and we need attention. All I know is I need my Red, and I can't stand through this without it.
Or at least I don't want to. That's what I keep thinking. I keep imagining myself back there and everyone thinking "oh, she couldn't do it" when the truth is I *could* do it...I just don't want to.
Hello, pathetic, thy name is Mary.
See if I were thin - I'd be less pathetic. Who's up for skipping snack?
chord
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