6:53 a.m. - 09/10/03
live the questions.
it only occurred to me as I typed the date just now why the WTC attacks are so present again just now. a bit preoccupied with my own life, perhaps? ...I want to say sorry again to those people who I haven't exactly been around for or replying to. I'm having a hard time, which I would write about, except I want to finish writing about last week. my current hard time probably has *something* to do (at least partially) with last week. at least, the doctor seemed to think so when he called me yesterday. I had a session Monday, and within 24 hours of that session I called him, having entirely broken down...I said things like, "I just ... wish that I didn't exist" and "I'm not going to ask you to call me because then if you don't, it'll be even harder" et cetera. About four hours later, I called him back and said, to hell with it, I wanted him to call me. I had to call him *again* after that because I'd forgotten to leave my phone number, and then my mom called him later to give him her assessment of the situation, before *paiging* him. (Aiigh...do you remember me saying that I could no longer paige the doctor because his message says not to unless it's life-threatening? well, other than the not-so-small detail of I refuse to take my life, it was threatening to the point we paiged him.)
So a couple hours later, when he hadn't called, I decided I hated him. I decided he was just an ass, and I wanted very badly to hurt him as deeply as he was hurting me with his stupid not-calling-self. I wanted to tell him how he's just like all those other doctors who decide, eventually, that they know what I need better than I do myself and so when I say, "I need you to call me" they don't, because they know what I "really need." I wanted to give him the silent treatment, or not show up to my next appointment, and not be personally hurt by it. I wanted to be in a relationship where power games like those aren't necessary. As it stood, I said something truly terrible to my mom about how I had no reason to eat. Grr. I was (and am) more than a trifle depressed... But I did eat, after he *did* call. Which is not as good as eating before he called, but I'm supposed to give myself the break I so desperately need.
we talked a lot about loss and pain, and I said I was tired of fighting, tired of being told how exceptionally resilient and strong I am, when I'm just as exhausted as anyone else would be, given five years of intense pain and seriously hard work. I told him I don't believe in a life I can live; I don't believe in people who can love me when we're in the same room, in a place in which I can find home, in a job I can do, or a purpose I can have...which is true, I don't believe in any of that right now. he said it's pointless to talk about because right now, none of the good things, the evidence of good things, will balance out the pain. nothing will be able to balance it. so it does seem like my life will always be shit, and that sort of permanizing, catastrophizing thought is a symptom of the illness, in which real feelings give false impressions. blah. I'm supposed to wait it out, like a really nasty flu ("except ten million times worse"^), understanding that what I think now is not in keeping with what I've told him and shown him at times when I was feeling better. that normally, I do not look at my life as the short reprieve between horrible events. if I believed him, I wouldn't be where I am. but I want to believe him, and that helps.
I have an appointment Thursday which is "not intended to make [me] feel better" because there is no feeling better right now. I have an appointment Thursday to boost the support I feel during this especially rough time. bless him for that. he's not really evil, and he's not really just like all the other doctors. he just *does* make mistakes sometimes, and last night would have been a really, really bad time to make one. calling me, and then scheduling an appointment, so that I don't have to call him in two days to say, "guess what! I'm still spinning out of my own head" was really, really decent. superdoc-ish. oh, the gratitude.
and look, I have a new layout. I don't like some things about it, like that the picture and the words on it don't fit the screen...I wish they did, and I wish the image was, erm, pinned down. I can't think of the term for the life of me. I wish the image didn't move. however, if I knew how to do those sorts of things I would not need someone else to make my layouts, and so I am grateful to the people who do. this layout's blue, and everything gets extra points for being blue. not to mention the fact that I started to feel lately like the words "life's not going to slow down" might be summoning or allowing more ick into my life than I'd prefer to summon or allow. I may not have a lot of hope right now, but that's all the more reason to dream about it, right?
hey, look. I talked about what's going on right now. I screwed chronology. I hate doing that, so go me. I'll even de-privatize the previous entry, so it's all here. all minus last week of course (as of now). I'll save last week for later.
oh, that I had such power over time in *life* as well as journaling...
chord
p.s. this is important to me now: "I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer." -rainer maria rilke
^the doc
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