2:45 p.m. - 02/04/02
call me a fool.......
return of the queasiness. blugger.
it's my own damn fault, unfortunately. I freaked out completely because I ate some chips and half a cupcake, and I went out into the garage and threw my body around until I couldn't breathe. running, walking, kickboxing, boxing, jumping jacks...it was only when I decided to go walk in the woods (because the terrain is more uneven and it would be a better workout) that I realized I didn't feel good, I was abusing myself, and I really needed to sit down and stare at the trees until they gave me back my sanity.
I've decided the woods are keepers of my sanity; the moment I walked into them, I remembered this is sick.
I want to hurt myself, but I'm not going to do it because I will only hate myself more when I look at the scars. and if all else fails, I need to earn harriet's trust, which I'm not going to do if I continue on with this self-destructive insanity. I'm only a bit stressed; this does not have to be the end of the world, or the end of my recovery. I will be well.
when we moved in here, I thought the lake would be my dearest place, but the trees have long since won me over. when I had once again begun breathing I told them that I was not bad and didn't need to hurt myself in order to be good, and they looked down at me like sighingadults, their branches saying, "it's true sweetheart; really, just keep that in mind."
I am ever so in love with the trees...
chord
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