Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

4:50 p.m. - 02/26/02
should i stay or should i go.
Question #24506:

Is it ok, every now and then, if one is honestly aware of it, to take the easy way out? If I'm completely aware that this isn't the evolved solution to my current circumstance, can I choose it anyway? If I understand that I am basically running away, can't I assume that my problems will follow me, and deal with them at my next destination? Is that ok???

I want to leave Harriet. I thought I was finally *past* wanting that, as I haven't felt any desire to run off since the big switcharoo...but...it's back. It's back and it's strong and I started thinking about how I wanted to leave, and then I realized that I actually *could,* and it occurred to me that I actually want to. I want to leave.

I know that the shame I experienced in her office yesterday is not something I can escape simply by switching therapists. That shame is rooted in *me* not her, so leaving her will not change the shame. In reality, it might strengthen it, seeing as taking the easy way out makes me feel weak and worthless and that will funnel shame a bit. Monday reminded me how deep my shame is, and how strong, and I've been thinking about how hard it is to combat that unless I know the person who's seeing it with me is not going to end up hating me. My inability to trust that Harriet likes me *now* makes it difficult to go further into this.

My goal is to say this to her on Friday. My goal is not necessarily to leave, but my goal is to not stay because I never said anything.

chord

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!