2:50 p.m. - 04/10/02
you tell me what's real.
I've been planning to write this entry all day, but my body is not cooperating. I'm not sure what's going on, but I can't exactly take in reality at the moment; somewhere between being sick, having a migraine, and not talking to anyone all day, I've lost touch with the world. It's somewhat similar to staring at a word until it makes no sense; I can see my surroundings and I know I've looked at them before, but they no longer hold meaning. I'm hoping this is a temporary thing. I feel drugged.
Other than the obvious physical issues, I'm having a pretty good morning. I'm officially addicted to these brain-teasers. They're aren't exactly difficult, but it's fun to feel like I'm back in my sixth grade Gifted class, playing around with other ways of communicating. That's what they feel like to me: a separate language, one that is visual as well as auditory, one that speaks on more levels than English, in its 'normal' form, can manage. I figure if I'm going to be addicted to *something* brain teasers is one of my less detrimental options. These are my favorites for anyone who is wondering.
must get here
must get here
must get here
and
Fairy, Wolf, and Duckling
I don't completely remember when I decided that this week was officially a Big Deal, but I suppose I should document that, considering I haven't been writing so much. Thinking, yes, but not really writing. I realized a few days ago that I needed to take some time for myself, but it's evolved into this whole revamping of self. I mean, my life, is constantly reconstructional, but I've been consciously preparing myself for that process the past few days. I've been thinking about my belief systems and my definitions of self, what I want to offer and what I want to expect. Et cetera.
The nice thing about thoughts is that there are never more thank works in progress. They're like seconds; as soon as I write them down, they change. And even me, clinging so rigidly to change-less stability, appreciates the metamorphosis of thought. It means I have a constant eraser; I can forever revise what I think, and so long as I keep the people who care/matter up to date on who I am, there's nothing wrong with that.
A few of the things I've further articulated to myself-
1.) Jenna is a darling, who has completely altered my ability to love, and I will always be grateful to her for that. Somewhere in 'time' she and I will always be curled against each other, and my heart will shake slightly with excitement. It's very likely that she needs to give me up; it's possible that someday she will let me back in. Until then, I need to grieve, and I need to remember that I am making "Jenna" a code issue for everyone that I miss, and everyone that I love, and everyone whom I feel I am not good enough for...
2.) I'm consciously going to terminate my relationship with conformity. I no longer wish to feel poorly about myself because I purchased cheep clothes or because I don't blend in well enough with the crowd. I'm going to consciously work at cultivating my own self (because I *like* my weirdass style of clothing, the use of my hair as sculpture material, and the annual use of makeup just to throw people)...but I don't like feeling so self-conscious, and even though I know this will be a gradual thing, I'm ready to begin working at it actively.
3.) I'm going to start eating seafood again. ::hides:: Yes. I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I know that I became vegetarian for reasons other than my eating disorder, but I am *not* convinced (by any degree) that I cut fish out of my diet for what I consider the right reasons. Therefore I am going to, for at least a week (starting the first day I have some), try fish and its cousins again. I feel weird about this because it's ethically difficult for me, but my body wants it (I think; we'll see) and my spirit wants to know that I am not depriving myself out of fear or in order to, um, to deprive myself. So, at least a week of 'testing' the fishies, and if they sit well with me, and I no longer feel the need to click my heels because I managed to find a vegetarian protein, I'll extend it. If I have nightmares that I'm harpooning Ariel, I'll reevalaute. (Also: RED really turned me off tofu in a lot of ways. -Eating nothing *but* tofu will do that to you.- And that leaves my options limited.) I feel kind of like I couldn't cut it as a veg (despite the fact that I did it for so long) but I really need to do this. I just have to keep in mind that being a vegetarian to be "strong" (not eating = willpower) is eating disordered, and not being eating disordered to be strong (fighting eating disorder = true bravery) is much better.
4.) I don't think I'm straight or gay or bi, and I truly don't think I care. Obviously, I would rather be one of the latter two because boys are so scary, but I really don't know what I am in terms of physical/sexual attraction, and considering that I don't have (the luxury of) that information, I've come to a decision about myself. I'm attracted to people (persons) based on other qualities (the way anyone is, but still) and so my orientation is *that* - even though it's not fully defined yet. My orientation is based on something other than gender, something I can't quite define. Maybe it's people whose eyes sparkle or people who can crochet *and* kickbox. I don't know. And I do understand that everyone is attracted to people within their orientation based on factors other than gender. But...since denial or trauma or some other undetermined factor keeps me from narrowing down the population, I'm just going to give up trying (not that the question will flutter away, but I haven't worried about it for some time) and start defining my orientation (for *all* relationships; I'm still not interested in sex or romance) through other factors. And people can deal. Fuck the pituitary gland; I like who I am.
5.) I'm scared to see this new therapist because I'm scared that it's going to go the way it did with Harriet. I don't mean to minimize my experience with Harriet to a purely negative thing; it's just that my own 'weakness' still scares me. My ability to be controlled, confused, and manipulated scares me. I've always struck myself as the type of person who could end up in a cult, and that's just not a happy observation. But I do have a "obtain love at all costs" perspective most days, and I (somewhat) easily abandon my own intuition and beliefs for the logic of someone else's. So: I'm hoping I can work on that. I need to work on that. Obviously, I've already made some progress because even though Harriet really screwed with my head at the end and made me completely doubt myself, I still did what felt right to me, and I still listened to the people in my life that I truly trust. Which is a step in the right direction- I just need to *keep* stepping that way. I need to be firm in my beliefs so that I can discuss them and entertain others without being washed away...and in order to do *that* I need to know what my beliefs are, which is a lot of what I've been working on this week. It's exciting really. Beliefs and actions basically define you, at least in 'realistic' terms. I want to know how people would describe me, and I want their descriptions to be based on decisions *I've* made. I want their descriptions of me to reflect how I view myself, and how I choose to carry myself. Yes.
6.) I want a therapist who I can tell (eventually) about Billy and not feel like I am a slutty little ingenue with no sense who brought the whole thing on herself. I want someone I can tell about Chelsie, who will understand why I defend her and what I feel that causes me to do so, and who will eventually guide me in not doing it so much. In just talking without being defensive. I want someone who I can talk to about my parents without being overwhelmed by the feelings. I want someone who will be strong and not let me manipulate her with my theater training; I want someone who will be kind and not convince me that in order to be effective you have to be mean. I want someone who will occasionally get irritated with my pain or my illness but not ever with me. I want someone who will see all of the things about me that make me a person and not a client, who will look at me sometimes and smile so that I think, "I bet in our other lives, we're friends of a different dimension." I want someone who will read something I actually wrote (other than an e-mail) before talking about my talent for writing. (Someone who will come to their own conclusions.) I want someone who will not try to send me away or put me in residential (unless I need it) and who will really listen to how beautiful that experience was. I want someone who will laugh at me sometimes, without malice, when I talk about working at RED, but who will never doubt that it would be a good thing. Or who will talk to me until we see eye level. I want someone whose office is not desert-size, who occasionally sits closer to me because of the subject matter - and I want someone who *touches me* in ok ways. Also, I want someone who understands that I just had a really shitty turnout with a therapist, and it's going to be more difficult than ever to talk, but I will try, and I do care, and I'm really not without decency.
I do occasionally keep from sucking. I want them to know that.
There's more; I'll write it later. I could go on for days, but that's the point of a journal, which is a very good thing for the terminally rambling...
7.) I'm going to start setting an alarm (just need to commit to *when*) so that I quit sleeping for ten or twelve hours and hopefully quit getting so many migraines. I woke up around six yesterday and was tired all day, but I felt much better about myself. I was as productive as usual, but felt more productive, and I would rather be sleepy than beating myself up for dreaming too long. So yes. Alarm set to seven starting soon.
8.) And I have letters to finish so I can finally send them away, and one of these days I need to learn how to leave because I really want to do another poetry reading (slam?) -if I can't front a folk rock combo- and I want to visit Neverland but I need kurrage.
Life is good so long as the stereo's on...
chord
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