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5:15 p.m. - 05/25/02
>you come [[regular]] like *^seasons*.
sick. in my head. in my stomach. in my mind. feel like purging more than I have in so long, and what the hell can I do about that? I haven't even eaten my dinner yet, and when that goes down, how will I resist reversing gravity? I hate this. I hate feeling ugly, I hate being sick, I hate having thoughts like, "I feel sick and shame-filled; how about I throw up all my food?" whatever sick god devised bulimia needs to be beaten. I know it helped me, I know that recovering from it has altered my life in beautiful ways, I know that I wouldn't have survived without it, et cetera- but I'm done with it now! for god's sake, I'm finished with purging, with restricting, with cutting, and everything else.

why the hell can't I be finished with the thoughts?

I saw Tammy today and for the first time in a long time, I didn't leave there feeling loads better than I did going in. which isn't really anything: I wasn't drastically altered by an appt. with the dietician; that's probably a good thing. we had a perfectly ok chat, my weight's supposedly stable (I already don't believe that), and I even mentioned Harriet. but I didn't feel wonderful. I'm worried about the weight because I was pretty water-loaded (not purposefully) and so if it's stable it could be down. but then, I'm worried because I feel like some horrible disgusting monster (for more reasons than weight) and I don't know how to balance the dichotomy that's raging in my head. I'm not sure how a girl manages to be emaciated and gargantuous at the same time, but mostly I feel like a boil on the skin of society...

yeah. hopefully that will pass.

lindsey is distracting me with scintillating conversation. god bless lindsey and her distractive abilities. I should write about some of these things we're discussing some day. I should put down in words how I'm feeling about some of my history. odd as it may seem from this account, I have had experiences outside of eating disorders. or other disorders.

it's amazing how things spiral back around and find you in a completely different place facing the same situation. facing change. it's beautiful and scary and i survive.

chord

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