9:30 a.m. - 06/01/02
the fearful always play upon your confidence.
spacecake's profile:
[atomgirl] comments: She has me a little confused. I'm no longer sure that what i saw in her was real.
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Believe it or not, they really have no right to say these things. I'd rather he take me off his favorites list than write that. I don't understand this; I really don't. Despite the fact that three of the d-land people who claimed to love me most have gone to the other end of the spectrum, despite the fact that only three people out of an insane amount of Neverland friends still keep in touch with me, and despite the fact that Jenna dropped me completely without explanation, I still do not believe this is my issue. I didn't decide what they thought of me. I didn't coerce them into caring about me. I *have* learned from these relationships- I mean, I no longer jump into I-love-yous and forevers quite so quickly- but I was not a fraud. I'm just a 17-yr-old mental patient, ok? I'm not the bane of human existence; I'm no vast conspiracy personified...
Aigh...
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I cut my hair again a few days ago. I look like a seventeen year old girl. It's very bizarre. I meant to do a more boyish cut, but it didn't work out, and I guess I copped out and went for my normal ear-to-chin-length-wave-curls...I look a bit like the movie version of Snape now, actually, which is a bit frightening. I think it's mostly a color-comparison though, and a similar length. Anyway, after a couple days of adjusting, I've decided I don't mind it much (it's definitely better than the shoulder length mess I so despise in myself)...but I'm still a bit wary of the lace-pink nature of it. I was so not meant to be a debutante.
Speaking of debutantes, I definitely need to get the Crabs CD I used to steal from my sister. I'm in definite Crabs withdrawal, and since I have a little bit of money I meant to spend on Denise's writing workshop, I think I'll go for it. Just have to find a decent music store in the city (i.e. not a Borders) that will carry them.
I can't take the workshop because I don't have the cash. I could ask for a scholarship because technically they are available, and I don't doubt Denise would be willing to award me one, but I just can't ask for that. I'm really bad at begging, especially so because she gave me one last year. I'm comforting myself with the idea that it'll probably be all younger kids again, and I wouldn't get a whole lot out of it as a writer, even though my adoration of critiquing/ tutoring/ befriending younger works would definitely help. I thought about asking if I could aide, but I think it'd be weird considering that I'll have been in a group with some of the kids before as a peer, and now I'm trying to pawn myself off as an elder. Plus, I'd just feel like I was trying to escape paying. I have major money issues, but if you'd seen my parents financial skills you'd understand.
I do think I'll ask if she's willing to look over some of the material for my college portfolio. That is, if I ever manage to put together a decent college portfolio. Must get into Hampshire, must get into Hampshire...must get in...
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I sent Dr. R a letter venting my unhappinesses about the last session. This was a few days ago, and he still has not responded. I wouldn't mind this except I don't like not knowing if he's going to (respond.) I really don't want to go in Wednesday and have him say, "I got your e-mail; let's read it line by line and discuss." I swear that has to be one of the world's most excruciating processes...
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I don't really want to stop now, but there's nothing left for rambling. It's amazing how much I can write when there's nothing to say...
chord
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