6:15 p.m. - 06/18/02
no sir: \"i'm here to keep my eye on her...\"
my sister and I are almost completely out of sync, which is so bizarre and irritating. we've always been like twins (six years separated) and now all of a sudden our conversations have more awkward silences than a middle school date, and we can barely hang on long enough to hang up. we've always been able to start each other's sentences, and now it's just completely off-kilter. it's not like this hasn't been in the works for a year, or years, or something, but it's still really heartwrenching. I mean, I can fix this right? I can make it ok...?
my mom has fourteen siblings and hardly three of them speak with her consistenlty. I think of what they must have been like as kids, and it scares me. I mean, I will always have my family, won't I? I will always have someone who looks like me staring down my fears when I'm too tired to try? I will always be able to call my sister on the phone and make her think she called herself - right?
I'd concur that part of it is just growing older; so few relationships last seventeen years anymore. but I think in a lot of ways it's more than that. after all, sarah and I never had to work for our closeness; we never learned how to fight, how to stand up for our oneness within the duo, how to be like magnets at opposite poles. I have memories of being occasionally angry with her; she did have a tendency to 'mother' us after all, but the truth is she and I have never fought. once. beyond that, I can hardly speak of an argument without her stepping into mediate. I need her to understand that I can handle my own life, that I love her, but I don't need her constant guidance. I'm no longer her little-sister-shadow; I no longer want to grow up and be her. And that's not to say that she isn't everything I thought she was when I was four, but *I* am so much more, and I just can't sacrifice myself to reproduce my sister.
which isn't the issue. it's not like she *wants* me to be her. it's just, she's so used to solving everyone's problems, and I don't always want mine solved. and sometimes it seems like she equates 'solving' with erasing- like, "see I know you're angry because I get angry about that, too, but you have to understand this and that [insert sometimes-obvious?-usually-premature logic here] so you see, you need to not be angry now." I know she doesn't mean to take away my feelings, but she seems to have this constant need to help me, and it's so fricking irritating. as much as I've needed her in the past, I can't handle her 'mothering' now. I can hardly handle my true mother.
or maybe, in a lot of ways, Sarah has truy mothered me. I realized a few weeks ago that this theory I read regarding family dynamics and eating disorders actually *did* apply to me (I'd disregarded it originally) - only, in my case, the parental influences were opposite. i.e., the theory stated that girls equate thinness with the male power figure, the emotional stoicism, the ability to handle any situation (based on their father) and equate weight with emotional chaos, weakness, and femininity (based on their mother.) my mom has always been the one in control and capable of showing or not showing her feelings (my father just buries them until they explodes, or displays them passive-aggressively), and my dad was always heavier than my mom, often by quite a margin. (he used to be in oa, et cetera...) general ED theory tends to have girls very enmeshed with their mothers (in contrast to the conscious/unconscious 'disgust' on the power=weight issue) which only made sense in my story off and on- like when I was *really* sick- but Sarah and are I obviously pretty sadly intertwined. not that it's all bad. it's just a bit - erm, codependent. it's just a bit not what I need.
how do you tell a girl, the most consistently good relationship I've had in seventeen years of living is no longer working, and I absolutely *do not* want a divorce? how do you tell a girl, oh, and while we're trying to figure out the whole business-relationship idea, could we maybe discuss how we're going to work out the personal one? because I love you, and despite being seventeen-not-seven, I still think you're the coolest thing since My Little Pony?
on top of which, I'm just really pissed because I'm organizing a mix for (another one) Sara in Windows Media, and I don't have a CD burner, and a tape will just be *so less pretty* then a CD would...oh well, it's still, basically the closest thing to a musical hug ever created. these folkish kids are so cool.
sometimes, I find it very peculiar how loud music irritates a physical headache and alleviates a depressive one. god bless the wonder that is third eye blind. (narcolepsy, mmm...)
I really hope my blood test results get to the med. doctor by tomorrow, as I'm curious to know whether this whole thing is psychosomatic or actual. lately, I've been feeling like shit (emotionally) which means I'm leaning toward the option that says I'm 'faking.' the patterns we learn in childhood are oh-so-difficult to bend. I feel like I'm on fire, but I have a theory that it's secretly like 100 degrees in here, and generally I'm not warm when I have a fever. I just feel overly-warm and sick. again. and angry at myself because of course I'm only feeling sick to get out of eating. somehow my head remains convinced of this truth despite the fact that I'm on my meal plan happily. erm, not happily. but - on my meal plan.
so sarah has been calling off and on throughout this entry to discuss the play that's going up at the end of july. mostly, it's been better than our earlier conversations (we've had a whole lot of work to do today), but there were still some prett weird moments...we're kind of pulling the "I'm joking" "no, you're not" "just drop it" bullshit on each other, though a bit more subtly. I thought that staying away from marriage would better protect me from turning into my parents; I'd really rather not see my relationship with the sis go that route.
there is some cool news, though. she said the people from the workshop (who dropped us for professionals) called her to try and coax her into the student workshop again. apparently this woman left a ten minute message on sarah's voice mail, talking about how cool they think we are, and how they're holding out on accepting other people because we have 'first priority.' we can't go because we'd lose too much rehearsal time, but it's awesome that they want us so badly. we envision them chatting around the proverbial watercool about how they apparently call "Red me, red ma, red me- The Lastname Sisters." they say it makes us sound like a cool singing group, which is very amusing. I told Sarah we have to wear White Christmas knockoff dresses for our opening- or at the very least when we accept our Tony.
I think I understand things newly with this happening. I always heard people say that relationships that work through arguments are better than relationships where no one ever argues, and even though I saw it reflected in other relationships (like with my brother, John) I always cited Sarah and I as the exception. we might have been "better" had we argued, but we were alread so grand, who could imagine better? now it's like the infatuation is wearing off, and after seventeen years, we have foundation work to do. but it's a whole lot harder to accept after almost two decades.
holy shit. I almost have two decades under my belt. I'm such a cool chica.
so hopefully even if the honeymoon is over, the marriage has just begun. it's time this 'adolescent' learned to rebel against her 'mother.' it's time this little sister cast a shadow of her own.
chord
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