1:30 p.m. - 08/01/02
random NYC update number five
I am definitely kicking the caffeine again when I get home tomorrow. I can barely type my hands are shaking so badly, and there's no other explanation, as I've gotten back on my meds, and am feeling otherwise "ok." Moody, but ok. We had a meeting yesterday (Sarah, Chiara, Rachel, and I) to discuss the future of the show, and I felt terribly moody afterwards, as I had a sudden urge to cry and pout and not let them catch their separate trains. I'm not really upset that the show is over so much that the rehearsal process is. I'm upset that I won't be meeting with them every night, watching the scenes click, watching them give it their all. Oz is going to feel so lonely after this. And not just because of Rachel and Chiara- but so many of the people I've met. Michelle - and Sarah's friend Becky - and all the others. I want to go to Hampshire *now.*
At the same time, I'm in desperate need of therapy. I'm hanging in there and everything, but I'm looking forward to resting, withdrawing from all the cola I've had, and calming down again. I'm looking forward to being able to speak with a neutral party again, someone who is non-judgmental but still committed to helping me develop into the person I want to be. I'm sorry to be going back, but I'm looking forward to seeing the Superdoc again and to finishing my portfolio. I've revised what I'm going to put in it, scratching the sections that were basically there to show bredth I don't have, and keeping those that I truly work in: poetry, plays, personal essays. It's silly to send them less-than-good work just to show them that I do occasionally write fiction or academic essays. Especially, when I'm already sending them an academic essay and I haven't consistently written fiction since middle school.
I've been drooling over Hampshire's website and course list again. I can't believe how the time is winding down. I'll know whether I'm accepted in December...assuming I get my shit together and submit it by November, which I have to do, because it's important that I apply early decision. I'll need the extra time to either a, put belated energy into an alternative (if I don't get in) or b, find the *money* to get me there. But I'm still excited. And I'm amused that more likely than not, I'm going to help teach at a college for a few days before actually attending one.
Once the official approval goes through, the show is officially scheduled to entertain an Oz-audience, following three workshops for the theater department, which I'll help organize and run. We were planning the workshops last night and Rachel referred to the students as kids, than laughed at herself saying, "as if we're so much older!" and I laughed and said, "some of us are even younger" which is just bizarre.
I'm a child prodigy.
So this isn't the most interesting of entries, but I think I'm going to go lie down and do some breathing exercises. I'm starting to feel sick. Why oh why is Vanilla Coke so much tastier than water? I need to invest in some juice...
chord
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