5:05 p.m. - 08/20/02
she's sitting a foot away while I type this. spaaaaaaaaaace...
I hate when my parents assume that bad news will have no affect on me, or that I'm up to the challenge of dealing with it. News with any negative energy whatsoever *is* still a challenge for me, and I don't understand why my parents aren't more careful. I've finally coached my mom to quit telling me the horror stories of the people she works with, but the trials and tribulations of others in our lives are still peachy topics of discussion in her eyes. It's not that I don't want to know if something less than wonderful is going on with someone, but I've never understood such goings-on as gossip or neutral information. It *isn't* neutral for me. It makes things really difficult, and even though I've had a really wonderful few days, I didn't especially need the hit today.
Scott replied to the e-mail I sent him, the one where I tried so desperately to convey how much I care about him and how much I disagree with what he's been told lately, without telling him what to feel. And he was absolutely wonderful. He said beautiful things, he sounded thoroughly thrilled to be at college (other than some shit with his randomly selected roommate), and what's more he's chosen to go with his heart and his instincts, much to my relief. I would have found a way to love him and hate what had happened, but it's so much nicer to see things work out. And without me, no less. Without my interfering, and fixing, and trying to control. After I heard from him, I started to think maybe I didn't have to control the world. And then my mom came home.
I'm glad I'm seeing the Superdoc tomorrow. I'm ready to curl up on a couch and spill my secrets out. I'm ready to find relief without the aid of keyboards and of modems. I'm ready for real-time human-contact again. I want someone to touch me.
Atomgirl is almost ready for her grand reopening. I did it all by myself, with a little help from my friends. Many many cuddles to my Julie who saved the day last night after I whined about things not working. I'm hoping to have the stamina to tie up the loose ends tonight. And to call Sara. Please harass me thoroughly if I do not call Sara. Please beat me up, then put the phone in my bruised hand. I'm really missing her; it's time I called.
As for Red tomorrow, I don't know. Still scared. Mom said something about "should we drive to Oconomowoc this weekend for old time's sake?" and I nearly hit her. Dad jumped to it first, saying, "Don't toy with the girl," to which Mom, amazingly, replied, "I wasn't necessarily toying..." I felt awful. Because if I wanted to, I could very likely have talked her into taking me to RED this weekend, and I didn't. I'm not ready, and I know as much- I even told her this. But it's horrible. To love them so, to grieve so terribly, and to pass up an opportunity that, on the surface, could resolve it all. If only for a moment. If only for a moment, peace.
I think today is the day where I realize that stating "how far I've come" involves looking back at the hell I was in. And that's ever so draining...
chord
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