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7:05 p.m. - 12/15/01
i'm not troubled or sad/ i'm just ready for bed...>?<
I'm not sure, but I think there might be some correlation between long periods of writing and depression. I really have no concept how it happened; I just started working on a play around 2:30 and looked up at the clock again around six...I'm sure the piece is shitty, but maybe someday it'll be good. The characters are fun to develop, and it didn't end up *completely* formulaic, except that I used fairy tale references. I *always* use fairy tale references. I understand that they have a depth and universality that works well in my stuff, but is it necessary that they *always* show up?

I'm not really thinking about fairy tales, but see, as I was writing that I started to feel like I *had* taken my medicine today, which is good considering I did, and bad considering it's the first time in a while that I felt like I had...it's been a bizarre day, a confused day, a ...long...day.

I talked to my psych about not wanting to do family therapy. It was nice because Mom couldn't make it to the session and I asked Dad to run an errand so that I got to talk to the psych alone except for at the very session, which works better for me. Anyway, before I went in there I was considering firing him again. It's the most bizarre thing, but ever since I returned from red, I can't go to see the man without considering terminating the relationship. Granted, this was only the second time, but I used to worship him. It's odd, trying to determine how people fit into my life not that I'm so much stronger. It used to be that quiet, gentle movements were the only kind that didn't startle me - now I find myself needing a little more energy, a little more push.

Oh, God, Dave corrupted me...He threw my caution to the wind.

Anyway, I just felt things were weird while I was waiting, and then when I went into the office, I couldn't really bring up the point I'd been hoping to address. I don't know that I felt I *couldn't* bring it up; I just answered what he had to ask me, feeling pretty assured that I'd have a chance to ask it. And then it ended up sort of flowing with the conversation- he mentioned what I'd said before about not wanting to deal with the repercussions of being direct with my parents, and I said, "That's why I don't want to do family therapy," and it was like he'd already known that, probably because he seems to already know everything. Unlike people who just think they do. He doesn't assume he does, and sometimes he doesn't, but sometimes he *does* - know things.

Well, and...sometimes he doesn't. Shit. Okay. He thinks I'm being abused. That's why he's letting me off the hook in terms of the family therapy. He said that he doesn't want to do it unless it's a decision we both feel comfortable with it, and he gave me this whole analogy about talking with a wife who was wary of marital counseling and how her not wanting to work with her husband because they don't see eye to eye is one thing, her not wanting to work with him because she'll get hit for what she says, is quite another. So anyway, we had this long beating-around-the-bush talk where he implied the worst, and I told him it wasn't the worst, and then he asked me what I thought the worst was.

So I said physical. Meaning physical and sexual, but he didn't take it that way, so sexual is still on his list of possibilities because for some reason I didn't correct him. I don't know. I feel awful about it. I feel like I'm lying and I told him as much. I feel like I'm doing something to convince him that bad things go down in this house, when it really is *so far* from the worst.

He told me that isn't true, that he's thought this since the first time he met me, and I'd be hard pressed to convince him otherwise. He also told me he doesn't care if the problem at home is that my parents bought flourescent lights, and I can't stand flourescent lights, - if that's toxic to me, it's bad enough. I tried to believe him. That's a redtruth, that's something I thought I learned in the hospital, but I feel like I have to relearn it every day I spend here. Just like I have to relearn that my perception is valid just because it's my perception and that my mom is not always right about everything. These are things I think I knew at some point while I was there, but I don't know them now, and I'm so confused because I kept thinking, "This isn't my life. This is something I've convinced him of because I wanted him to take care of me the way the counselors in my books took care of the protagonists I created." So I'd try to pull myself out of it, but I couldn't make myself - not because I wanted him to take care of me, but because I wasn't sure that it isn't true.

I mean, it isn't - my parents don't *do* anything...except...confuse me.

He said if they make me feel like my perspective is wrong that could be abuse. I don't even know I have a perspective half the time. Every time I try to think up my opinion, I can hear my mom telling me it's wrong. I just wish I was away from here so that I could feel what I need to feel about what's happened and not have to think about how they'll deal with it. I wish I could just move on, the way I moved on from Billy or Zach or anyone else. Funny, for the girl who *hates* leaving, I've sure gotten used to it.

I don't know how to say this, but if it didn't happen, if *nothing* happened, and I -feel- like it did...if it's my emotional reality, and I have no idea why, if I responded as if something happened when nothing did, does that count? Can I need help without my hurt being logical?

I always thought that when you felt something you had to figure out why so that you knew if you were allowed to feel it or not. Whether or not it was justified, whether or not you had the right to feel that way. It never occurred to me that you just go from the feelings, treat them like as much of a reality as anything else.

I just know that my parents never meant to hurt me, and so I don't understand how I can feel hurt. It's like betraying them. Like they didn't mean it to happen, and it happened, so I must have wanted it to...I must have let it happen.

And I know that's illogical, but I guess at some point, I didn't - because that's the core belief it takes me ages to find.

I want to leave.

chord

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