[almost] 11:00 p.m. - 11/18/02
lest I be neglectful.
damnit. these blasted girls got to stop making me feel so good. ok, no they don't. but people I barely know who say really sweet things and make my insides do gynamstics routines make me into a goof. the truth is I needed a moment of goofness.
tense beyond what words can described- tense to the point I'm impressed my fingers can still flex over the keys. not really sleeping, as that would require not jumping out of my skin at every noise, and either that or my inability to cry enough has left me with a headache. (which will not turn into a migraine. pray.) I feel a bit like a barometer measuring my parent's problems. their inability to take care of their own lives, let alone their relationship, let alone their relationships with me, seems to seep below my skin and fester there. I think the technical term for my homelife is "toxic" which just brings up images of radioactive auras and draw withdrawal. I have this image of lying in a quiet room while people come in to look at me, some one or two years down the road, and when they ask why I haven't moved in two days and am looking so placid, I can say, "the joy of detox." yeah. I don't really understand it either.
the good news is that even though they would jump to deny it to me, they are at the very least aware the other one is crazy. Dad finally called the doctor to set up an appointment for therapy- the first he's had since his move to Narnia (since that time, he has- in my professional opinion- regressed back to his mental stage when I was diagnosed, which remains not pretty), only to be one-upped by Mom paiging the doc around nine to schedule an emergency appointment tomorrow morning. the good news is it means the two people who both promised to be home all day tomorrow will be nowhere in sight. freedom, from life if not from school. and we wonder why I had such a unending schedule of extracurriculars pre-homebound?
Sunday I spent the afternoon with two small children. I know it sounds like I do that every day, but Sunday was far more enjoyable. truly...
chord
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