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10:00 p.m. - 12/23/01
think I'm gonna sing--> ,myself, a lullaby./
I'm sitting here telling myself that, despite the fact that Mom and Marybeth are downstairs wrapping my siblings' Christmas gifts, Santa still shows up every 24th of December with *my* prizes. Somehow I need to believe in things like Santa Claus in order to survive my life. I need to know that no matter what there is a force of pure good out there giving everything it has to universal joy. Wouldn't that be nice? Don't we all need a reminder of that amid all the hustle, bustle, and hurt?

My "hurt" this holiday season is ranging from the little heart pangs to the full-fledged nausea. I find myself more homesick for the hospital than I have been, despite the fact that I love seeing my siblings. It's nice to be giving them hugs and things (I don't hold back even with the less-affectionate family members)...but I still have visions of sitting in the dayroom with sympathetic staff members crocheting amid the sad hospital decorations. It just seems *nice* to me- even though it'd be a struggle with everyone else so depressed and me so at home...I hate thinking how things are changing there without me. I want to be able to go back and be there again. I want to have one place in my life where I will always be safe, accepted, loved.

I bought dark (green) homespun yarn which is a breaism. I crochet and then I don't feel so alone. The way it works you'd think I was knitting a lifeline between here and Wisconsin.

If anyone had told me that I'd find Nirvana in rural Wisconsin they probably wouldn't have lived to see me fulfill the prophecy. What I'd give for one day of hugs from them...what I'd give for one day with them now, now when I appreciate it so much more...I'm just glad I knew how good it was while I was there. I'm glad I wasn't an ingrate. I'm glad I bawled when I left, and that I told them all I loved them, and I made them know how important they were to me. I'm glad they *know*- I hope they don't forget...that was the greatest thing they said to me, they said they would never, could never forget me.

Kind words to a girl who long managed to overlook *herself.*

I got this letter today. I nearly cried. If I thought there was any way to improve on the relationship I have with Brooke, I'd probably quit claiming I'm asexual:

"Hi! It's so great to hear from you and that you are doing well. Not a day went by that I didn't think of you. I didn't know how to get a hold of you but I talked with S* G* and got it worked out that i could send a x-mas gift to you. The card will explain why I haven't written in so long. Will you be around Neverland over the holidays. I would love to spend some time with you and catch up on things. Congrats on the play deal. That is simply wonderful, and I am so proud of you. You have more talent than anyone I know and I look up to in every way. I can't wait to hear from you. Love always, Brooke"

*sigh*

I have people like this and yet I need a crochet needle to feel connected to them?

Take me hommmmmmmeee....

chord

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