10:15 p.m. - 11/26/02
|squeezing out of all the bad;]
not much to say; the day has been long, and I don't have the words. I keep crying. I usually don't cry outside the doc's office, and lately I can't stop. yesterday, I just sat down on the kitchen tile and tried to talk to Tracy, and I bawled. tonight, I'd been home alone and it was after dark. I feel like my head caves in in that situation sometimes...I took myself upstairs to collect the thoughts, and I ended up sitting at the top of my stairs, trying to talk it out. crying. I tried to call Rogers later; I really did try. and I probably would have hung up, but no one answered. it seems like they were in the office a lot more when I was there. I guess many things seem different and are different now.
I have tension headaches that won't go away. I finally slept last night; the night before was completely restless and left me in a cranky mood. I thought I was doing better, but my head is obviously not in a "better" space. I think I did poorly on a psych test today for the first time in ages. I can usually breeze through those things, but I guess I'm just out of it now. halfway through the test, I almost asked Mistrandy if we could wait and take it later. I was tired. nothing else, not anxious, not unprepared, just tired. I didn't want to have to try and think anymore. the only thoughts I have are not concerned with Freud. I'm a mess, and I'm scared, and tomorrow I am going to my oldest brother's until sometime Friday evening. I could explain how much I don't want to go, but it would be pointless considering the idea of being home alone right now is equally terrifying...I wish I could call up some slight hope that tomorrow, when I see the superdoc, he would be able to ensure my sanity for another week. I wish I could believe in redemption enough to make speaking seem worthwhile.
All I know of my identity is that I found it There because of Them. Now, I struggle to maintain it knowing that my family doesn't approve of this relationship, and that in all likelihood neither do They. I struggle to protect the scraps of who I am by keeping it a secret from my family, which means living a life that isn't mine, going through the motions of action with which I'm not concerned. All the while, I'm within a world that knocks me sideways, a world I *know now* isn't accurate, isn't right, awaiting the time when I no longer know. No one in my family is happy. No one likes themselves. No one enjoys their life, their work, or feels appreciated. I want to grow up from what I was given at Red, but what hope of that do I honestly have? It's written in my skin, the mark they have on me. The way we look so much alike, the way we talk and fidget so the same. I want to believe I can move out of that, but for what? To lose them? Them and Rogers? To be alone because I wanted to believe in something other than depression? Will I honestly have anything other than depression if I take that course?
I'm trying to like myself; I really am. I cut my hair and felt so much returned to who I truly am. Short hair is much more me...but...
But the face remains the same. I can't replace my genes. I can't replace this edict I feel is imprinted in me, that says I will take the same route they have taken to the same unhappiness. I don't know how to say that tomorrow without sounding hopeless, which only scares me because, truly?- I don't want to be.
chord
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