11:15 p.m. - 12/02/02
**(fear or love, baby?***)
just had a long and really powerful talk with my Sara. oddly we talked about almost everything going on for me except the issue with my parents. but talking about the other things made me realize how much they're playing in. tracy and the impending anniversary are having an effect. my desperation to find Rogers again is making my need to leave more fierce. I know this. and I also know that Sara believes Tracy is alive, that she is ok even, growing even, aware even. that we are still connected and still loved. that something so deep as this cannot be broken by human hands. and I know that I want to believe this. am I willing to stake all my eggs in love? yes. I am. in this belief. once, at Rogers, I decided to do the impossible and believe that I was not worthy of my shame. and it was extremely painful because I knew that if it turned out the shame-thoughts were true, I would pay in pain later for lying to myself. but I learned to believe anyway. and I will learn to believe in this, too. I will learn to put strong faith in my love for her and the reality of our connection. in the fact that we are both only human, and if I cannot create her life, her immense and incredible life, she could never end it. in the fact that we are always and forever love. I don't have to explain the details of our relationship. I don't have to know what her favorite color was or determine how in less than three months I developed a stronger connection than I have, in my other life, in seventeen years. but it's real. it is real. we said we'd do this together, and we are. it's her path, and she's doing it. just like I am doing it. just like Sara and the rest of us. someday, we'll all kickass Silje style. someday I will wonder how I ever doubted she could still hear me or that it was valid feeling so deeply as I do.
just have to keep talking. until a solution is clear. just have to stay aware that being me does not necessarily equal leaving and staying does not necessarily equal being prey for them. just have to keep talking until I know how to make Rogers-past concrete, impenetrable- until I have a Rogers-present, and a Rogers-future. until my whole life is secure in my heritage.
until...yes, until I'm Mary Brave.
chord
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