11:35 p.m. - 12/31/02
..maybe this year will be ^ better than the last..
I just wanted to say that my mom did get home, several hours later than I thought she was supposed to, and my depression lifted a little, or at least was overshadowed by my migraine once again. I think I really hate this holiday, though I didn't know that until yesterday. The combination of forced change, and odd-timing, and the idea that next year is "the year" I've heard about since middle school, and the memory of two years ago New Year's, all make it rather uncelebratory in my book. I don't feel at all like it's time right now to take stock of my life or plan for new steps. I do that often, but now is not the time. And I don't like having it forced on me. It's like being handed a worksheet in school that asks you to make goals. I don't force goals. I know them when it's time, and I approach them bravely. In the meantime? Keep your holidays to yourself and leave me alone.
I think I'm more than a little scared of it being next year. I don't want to be that much further away from Rogers and that much closer to next fall. I'm more than a little scared about a lot of things.
But after all, I don't feel like my life is caving in so badly as I did a few hours past. I comforted myself with cartoon-watching, reading, and my Pup. I'm still down on myself, but not in the awful-shamed way I was a few days ago. Just in the, "I told people about nourish and now I see it's really dumb" and the "I'm such an ass; I haven't called Sara in weeks. I'm a horrible friend" sort of way. I'll call her soon, and I'll get over nourish. Or maybe I'll fall in love with it again. I just want the words to be as good as bells on fairy wings, but extempore rarely is. Maybe I need a new goal. Maybe I need a Sarah-Delancey writing fellows sort of goal. I think my life would be more peaceful if I wrote that way.
In the meantime, I'm going to bed twenty minutes to midnight...aware that if I could, I'd rocket myself to Wisconsin right about now, and ring in the new year in a place I'd like the night to prophesy.
love-
chord
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