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11:35 p.m. - 12/31/02 I think I'm more than a little scared of it being next year. I don't want to be that much further away from Rogers and that much closer to next fall. I'm more than a little scared about a lot of things. But after all, I don't feel like my life is caving in so badly as I did a few hours past. I comforted myself with cartoon-watching, reading, and my Pup. I'm still down on myself, but not in the awful-shamed way I was a few days ago. Just in the, "I told people about nourish and now I see it's really dumb" and the "I'm such an ass; I haven't called Sara in weeks. I'm a horrible friend" sort of way. I'll call her soon, and I'll get over nourish. Or maybe I'll fall in love with it again. I just want the words to be as good as bells on fairy wings, but extempore rarely is. Maybe I need a new goal. Maybe I need a Sarah-Delancey writing fellows sort of goal. I think my life would be more peaceful if I wrote that way. In the meantime, I'm going to bed twenty minutes to midnight...aware that if I could, I'd rocket myself to Wisconsin right about now, and ring in the new year in a place I'd like the night to prophesy. love- � � |