7:00 p.m. - 01/10/03
fitted to a frame.
My mom just called. She's going to be home in about twenty minutes, and then we're going to drive into the nearest point of civilization to try and have some "fun." Actually, I'm trying to a) get out of the house and b) work on my phobia-disarming. Now, I'm fighting off these sad little "I can't" thoughts which are annoying me. "I'm supposed to know better. I can't = I won't. There's nothing I *can't* do" blah blah blah. But I feel like I can't do this. I feel really small and young and self-conscious. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to go out. I don't want to be seen. And it's after dark and leaving after dark is always harder. Being out after dark is hard enough. I don't even know where half of these fears come from, and I have to deal with them anyway. Some other fool across the ocean years ago must have crashed his little airplane.* I feel tired. I feel like curling up in bed with a stuffed animal, listening to soft music with only a dim lamp to keep the night at bay. And it's not that I don't want to go out tonight, specifically. I feel this way every time. I feel this way no matter what.
What I really want...is some peace, man. I don't know. What I really want is a way to feel safe, and the only way to do that is to practice but last time I had to take these kinds of steps- these initial sorts of steps- I had a whole treatment center backing me. I had people cheering every moment, there for every tear. I just don't want to do it on my own. I don't know if I can. I haven't even done what I have to do and I'm already tired.
And now I'm getting scared, and that's making things worse. Ok. Tonight, all I have to do is go out. I don't have to do anything else. I don't have to have fun. I don't have to eat (already had dinner). I don't have to talk with any people who are working. I don't even have to go to that CD store and check for the album that I'm hoping is still there. I don't have to do anything except walk outside, go into the garage, sit in the car, buckle my seatbelt, drive down the highway, get out of the car, go into a store, come out of a store, get into the car, drive home, and come back inside. This will end, and it will end with me back here, back safe, in bed with my stuffed animal, the dim light, the soft music. I will be ok.
chord
*Indigo Girls
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