12:35 a.m. - 02/08/03
~one with the fools of love::]
Ok, this "I'm in a good mood, and I have a new toy, and I think I'll stay up later and play with it" philosophy was a good concept for awhile. Now it is nearing bedtime, so let me hurry through what deserves more time than I can give it at this point.
1.) I absolutely love Shannon for this early birthday present. It's lovely. (Of course, I absolutely loved Shannon before this early birthday present, too...but now my birthday is the "year I became golden"- which is much better than any other definition. Also, I have access to all sorts of crazy things now, and I like them. I'm afraid I'll go overboard, just a bit.
2.) On that note, however, I don't think I really went *crazy* with rings (though that's no guarantee I'm finished yet.) Atomfolk might be a little much, but I wanted something that lots of people I know could join if they wanted to, and the others are respectively specified and random.
3.) I think I'm glad about those other two, though. The ghostwriter one is just silly (let's face it; I'm a dork- I'm wearing a Popples sticker, for goodness' sake) - but I do feel glad about recognizing that silliness. The edrecovery one is something I've wanted to see here for some time, but felt a little hesitant to create myself now that I could do so. I think it's just because of where I'm at right now; I'm still questioning the ed part of this so much in the wake of the doc's comment. (Not because of his comment really. Because of what I've believed in the past. His comment was said very sweetly and made me laugh at the time.)
4.) Despite the fact that I'm majorally confused about that one facet of my illness, I'm blatantly exploiting this journal as a tool of my recovery- especially recently. I just need that right now. So please don't freak out if I start doing affirmations exercises or something similarly random. I need it right now, and I will do what I need.
5.) I've been really happy tonight, after a hard morning and afternoon. This morning I wondered how I ever managed to feel peaceful and content, and safe being silly. Tonight, I was feeling all that. Life is cool.
6.) I owe #5 largely to the fact that I. Love. Meds. My newly raised anxiety meds helped me get through a test today, and afterward, they really started to do something. For the first time in months (literally) I felt even physically relaxed. I fell asleep for a couple hours (whether that was a side effect of the meds or the fact that anxiety has been my energy-base for years, I don't know) and when I woke up, I felt refreshed and calm- like I could face anything. I was so content (so peaceful!) that I didn't know what to do first. I think I've gotten used to (a lesser version of) that same anxious energy/ depressive shut-down cycle. I really felt awe again, like someone returned to life. I love that feeling. I want to live in that feeling.
I really doubt it's possible to take life for granted after working this hard to achieve it. So bring it on, baby; bring it on.
chord <--who hates that movie
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