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8:45 p.m. - 03/08/03
learned so much more about the good guys...
So I think now (as in, having slept, after having freaked out a little, after having contacted the people in the aforementioned diaryring) the important thing is to understand myself in this situation. My own need to contact them, my own need to freak out as I did so, etc. It needs to matter less how people respond than it does how I grow from what's happened (even with something as seemingly small as this.) Though kind, considerate responses are still very much earning my gratitude.

The obvious explanations, which still need to be made, are that I'm extremely harm-avoidant. It's not so much conflict I don't like (though I don't so much like conflict, truthfully) but the possibility of people hating/hurting me. I don't like to put myself anywhere near a position where either could occur, even though many times I've been hurt without putting myself in said position. It's rare that I'm hurt for going out on a limb. (I'm annoyed occasionally. Remember the exasperating news exec? Definite annoyance.) Rarely hurt outright. But I have had some truly awful experiences on-line, and it's better that I don't forget that when I examine my life. I've had some ill-feelings domino and take several people out of my life, and since I have that whole "I'll blink and everyone will be gone" phobia, anything that makes such abandonment possible (or in anxiety terms: probable, definite) leaves me nervy. I've been attacked verbally and emotionally via diaryland quite enough times. Of course, I've also been told soul-stitching, heart-mending things by lovely, dearling* individuals. I tried to keep that in mind last night. It's kind of like the secret fiasco; when I realize I'm responding to the aftereffects of my past rather than the reality of the situation, it's easier to manage. Or at least, to go to sleep and let it be for nine hours.

None of this should be surprising. It was only yesterday I learned my battle cry is "mew."

So, why then, would I push myself into a situation which could develop into something volatile? I guess it's for the same reason that I really wanted to pull aside the mother at the local department store and ask her to not say such upsetting things to her daughter (and the entire department who couldn't help hearing her). I ended up not acting on that instinct, probably because it was in person, and I'm new to this whole "speaking up" thing. Right now, it seems restrained to "typing up." It's not simply that it emotionally upset me or disagreed with my ethics because there are plenty of diaryrings (for example) that disagree with my ethics. There is plenty of media in general that disagrees with my ethics, but the thing I'm always compelled to speak up on (and usually do) is surrounding issues of weight/ body image/ eating disorders. I wonder if it has something to do with how ignorant I was before I got sick. The lack of understanding about depression upsets me, but I don't "bother" about it quite as much...maybe because I understood what it was before I developed it. I didn't understand eating disorders. I had many stereotypes, and I held onto them as I got sick (my attempt to explain that *I* wasn't effected by fashion magazines, etc). I guess more than anything it has to do with how overwhelming the misperception of eds is, and how much pain I have, personally, because of them. There aren't pro-depression diaryrings here, though I sometimes wonder if members don't join that way (more with the s/i than depression rings, actually...) I'm not sure I understand it entirely. Maybe it's because I'm so helpless in terms of my friends who are sick, and so I put my energy into making it an easier world for recovering-sick people to live in... A group I need to remember includes myself...

The really good thing that I did this time was to check out the journals of the people I wrote before writing them. I mostly just went to their rings pages, to make certain they had the code up, and to see if there was any explanation of why. In doing so, I ran across a lot of rings common with those I'm in, a lot of anti-eating-disorders material, and generally made myself realize how human these people are. Sending an e-mail based on a diaryring is different than sending one based on a company policy. This isn't some corporate mongrel; this is a person. I didn't really understand before I checked them out.

And the responses I've gotten thus far have been really human- really kind, really considerate of my feelings. I think a lot of it comes back to wording. I place such importance in words (without even realizing it) that I'm offended, often, but what I hear rather than by what people mean to say. I think there's too little focus on the language of prejudice. I've talked before about how my dad says offensive things without any malicious intent, simply because it's the way he knows to talk. I had a conversation with Brittany not long back about how "everyone has had a same-sex fantasy" is not a particularly good argument for the "everyone is bi" philosophy because it upholds the assumption that everyone is straight by default. A lot of the energy in this ring seems to be anti-pro-ed (what a term) rather than anti-person-with-eating-disorder, and I think that's an important distinction. That's the thought behind my own pro-recovery diaryring. I still think that there needs to be a bridge built between the two perspectives, though. As much pain as I get into over the pro-ed mindset, I want to understand *the people* who hold it. I don't want to hear justifications of the mindset itself; I just want to have a connection between those in recovery and those who see no need to recover. I guess I think, if it is an issue of connection and support, people could eventually find that in recovery. Which I really don't mean to sound like I want to convert anyone...I just do. (I know...) I don't want to disrespect beliefs; I'm just terrified of this particular perspective. Anyway, in the meantime, I think it's important to discriminate between being against an illness and being against those with that illness. It's too bad the rings aren't searchable by content because I think some people could get their message heard by joining the pro-rec ring. It just isn't listed right along with all the other eating disorder ones.

Definitely an interesting experience to have in light of my, "I have a voice! Yeay!" mindset. Yesterday was more, "ihaveavoiceandthereforeiwanttohideunderthebed." I think I need to learn that most people really are respectful. Most people aren't vicious, and I'm not who I was three years ago. I need to learn that I can survive unkindness and trust in that enough to keep speaking up. Because, like I said, never mute again. Eat, drink, speak, and be Mary.

Speaking sort of fits into that last one.

The best part of all of this is that I ended up receiving what I asked for in Upstanding. An explanation, a perception of the story that says we're (at least mostly) on the same side. I really didn't expect that as I was writing. Sometimes poems are prayers, though I've yet to learn exactly where they're heard.

chord

*I'm not sure I've ever used dearling as an adjective before. But it officially can be used as one.

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