9:55 p.m. - 01/07/02
craving revolution.
I tried to blow it off as some pathetic attempt to redeem myself through what I know to be Zach's logic. If I am evil because I openly hurt others with my feelings, then perhaps I will reclaim my humanity by turning the vengence back onto myself. I tried - somewhat unsuccessfully - to brush it away as some fledgling call for attention, the way I did so many times at Red. I remember one night when I couldn't communicate well at all (I was trying to talk with Brea and she brought up the ever-popular RC line of, "if you aren't talking, leave [the office that you are always in, you silly girl]" ... so I left. And cut...I told Katia what had happened and she encouraged me to go tell Brea, which I knew I had to do, but I didn't want to because it *looked* so bad. I felt like all I'd be doing was saying, "Look what happens when you don't let me talk." When really, of course, it was my fault as always.
I felt the same way tonight, having cut twice today for the first time in a few months. (I had small bouts of it at Red; after all, I never really stopped cutting; I just started purging.) After the first time, the urge only grew, and I kept thinking how I couldn't cut again because it would just seem so stupid, knowing that I would have to tell Harriet, or at the very latest, I would be asked in the dayprogram (they ask for stats weekly about pretty much every behavior). If I was cutting with the consequences in mind, then surely I was only doing it for the consequences, and I just wasn't interested in that.
But after a few old clues (actually liking the look of the scratches, hiding the tool in my room when there's no reason to do so) suggested it might be a bit more serious, I started to open to the possibility that I was in actual pain. And after I went through an entire session with Harriet without telling her, finally confessing at the end that I had something important I needed to say (but not able to admit what), I started to think about all the things that were wrong in my life, falling into complete hopelessness at an alarming rate.
All the things that are wrong in my life, such as:
-Billy found me, attacked me in a public forum, and said he was wrong to have ever loved me
-Zach found me, hurt me, and then made me feel evil for asking out
-Tracy's gone
-my parents are more fucked up daily
-John isn't doing well and I'm tired of listening, let alone playing therapist- I need a little bit of me-time
-Britt's friend is struggling, and talking to her about what to do with a friend who's in trouble brought up a lot in me
-when I turned on the radio tonight they were (as always) playing Tracy's favorite song, which wasn't so difficult except then
-they played the song I absolutely will not under any circumstances listen to again
-Stacy is switching floors which means that there is absolutely no way I can go back to red, as red was when I knew her, which means
-I may never have home again and
-apparently people can only love me from a distance which means
-I may never have home again.
And I do not sleep. And Tammy sent me an e-mail reminding that Tracy would want me to eat, even though I told her I knew that originally, only to say that the argument, while logical, does nothing for me. I am eating. I am eating and dying and cutting and thinking that maybe it's not that death wants me instead of Tracy, maybe it's just that death would be the most equipped of all universal beings to handle me.
-oh and Hogwarts asks all these questions about the applicant's stability in terms of emotional, physical, and mental health that make me want to lie and not be who I am.
As if anyone's hard-pressed to bring those feelings up...
chord
"if believing starts with pretending or fantasizing, so be it." -sing on, mr. cage...
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