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10:18 p.m. - 06/05/03
:: only the ones who believe * ever see what they dream ::
If you see a beautiful banner that reads "break the dark", click on it ... or just go here to discover how haunting and self-forgiveness overlap, and why that's so heartening. Of course, you still need to read the remarkably interesting, insightful, and eloquent words I am going to post here. So make sure you don't neglect me on account of that link, or on account of random guestbook signing week, which I'm finally partaking in, just a little. I succumbed to the peer pressure. Wouldn't you know the first three people I clicked were total recovery nightmares/ caretaker's dreams? I left them quickly, on account of they didn't have guestbooks (and, erm, other things). I hightailed it out of those templates so quickly my heels blurred.

Literally, I am moving much less quickly. I cut my toe- where it attaches to my foot- the second time I attempted to walk through a door a few days back, and the silly thing went and got infected. But it's not bad, and it's all tended-to now, so I'm just refusing to walk on it. After all, I'm queen of the universe for at least a few months now, so people should have to carry me around and hail my greatness. I mean, how many people graduate from high school...? Ok, shut up. How many people named Mary Brave who have anxiety / depressive / and eating disorders, missed a year of school, went to ole abusive N*land, and took a 7 or 8 class schedule - including physics and AP psych - *homebound* finish high school? That's right, baby.

And I am currently focusing on that with everything I have and managing (almost) to not obsess over the fact that Sara hasn't called me, and she said she would last night, and I'm terrified about it all, but trying to stick with what I can do instead of electing myself the difference between life and death and going entirely out of my mind. I am a little out of my mind, though. I need to not be writing about it. If I don't hear from her tomorrow, I'll call her parents, leave a message. Her mom is wonderful; I can trust that she'll let me know if there's anything I need to know. I will continue to breathe and focus on what I can do and what I have done (finished. high. school! eee!...among other things...I'm also listening to Beth Nielsen Chapman right now and *not* bawling my eyes out, which is an achievement in itself).

If I could, I would love you all the way through better to well, to forever you and safe. If my freaking out would help us, I would do it to the extreme. But I will love you, love you, love you, and keep my head as quiet as I can with the other stories best told now. I'm not forgetting to think of you; I'm remembering your orders not to freak out. I'm trying to love you the way that's best for both of us, and that's not obsession. But if it were, how obsessive I could be. No. Ok. I'll love you. I'll just love you.

So quickly now, let's limp into another topic. Let's see. The doctor was positively giddy today. It made me happy, and I know that part of what made him so happy was that I was so happy (which was of course hard because having such entirely opposite emotions hurts a bit), and that's one of those things that he's trying to teach me, I know: that I contribute to my experiences of people. For instance, my principal-with-the-name-of-a-movie-star was thrilled and enthusiastic because of my influence, as well as in keeping with his character. Or (to be more intense and not entirely believed, yet): Rogers was magic in part because I was there. I'm too scared to believe that, still, but it was just nice to sit and talk with him, all chattery, telling stories about the past few days, and about how school here is so different than school in N*land, and how successful everything (and I) have been. I even called Mistrandy today to ask that she give my contact info to the teacher I wanted to meet and missed. No more inaction to regret. ...I'm trying. The doctor said I graduated Mary Lastname (I'm sure he meant Brave) high school last week (though I've already forgotten how!) and Mary Lastname College this week - because I know now that it's more important to be kind to myself than basically anything else. In the middle of exams, when I was freaking out, I chose to stop freaking out, study a little, rest and play computer games a lot, and generally be kind to myself.

"And," he finishes, like a conductor begging a crescendo, "did you just barely pass the exams?"

"...No..."

"Did you blow them out of the water and surprise even yourself?"

And by that point, we're both grinning, and they're simply isn't a point in answering because he can see it in the smile sealing up my laughter. (Temporarily - it always spills out a second later.) He told me then that I am in now enrolled for my masters (I'll make sure and edit the school name next week), but he isn't telling me what I have to do to graduate because he thinks I'll tell *him* within the next few weeks. Damn, I'm precocious. He did make me a little nervous, talking about the move. I told him leaving D!@#$%^ was a perfectly acceptable topic, living in the city (I can't decide what to call it...hrm...) not so much (yet. Only on account of, the phobia-fighting will begin, and that makes me nervous. But today I stood at two cash registers and didn't flip out. And yesterday I talked with many people, made eye contact, had interesting conversations. I'm so high on graduation, I feel capable of kicking any phobia permanently down on its stupid little phobia nose. Of course, that will mellow down the next few days - the drugged happiness - and the fear will increase again, but in the meantime I'm enjoying my freedom. I'm not allowed to drive, though, so I can't test that one. Nope, no driving while we adjust the sleeping meds. He had to really work at me to make me accept that condition. I almost asked him if cartoon racing games qualify...

Mm. It's been so long since this silly side has come out to play. At least, it seems that way. It really is nice, even if the balance is challenging. I've missed my dorkiness (and I say that endearingly, so please don't disclaim it.) Have to balance the so-advanced-for-someone-my-age-dness somehow. And I do believe my beloved doctor (who is definitely a geek; he talks about computers and star trek and all sorts of other geekish giveaway things - yeay!) enjoys the occasional dorkiness as well. We had a good time. As did my dad and I, during our one little bit of time together. He's coming Sunday for my graduation "party" though. I hope it's fun and not all screwed-up by marital discord. This non-separation separation deal is very, very weird.

I think I'm done now. And soon, I'll be sleeping like a "normal" person again. And then, my entries may have silly and dorky elements but they will have meaning as well. The meaning of this entry is...erm...very...meaningful. Yes.

chord

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