7:13 p.m. - 08/05/03
for now, could someone else please volunteer to say - it'll be ok...
I really don't understand.
I stumbled across an ed-glorification site today; after weeks of being a lazy ringleader, I finally started welcoming people who joined again... and there it was. I didn't read much, just caught what one does in a first glance, checked the rings page for the code, and hit the guestbook. I glanced at the other entries before I signed, hoping to find something a bit kindred to what I felt compelled to say, but scanning only provided me with more of the talk that feels like a hammer between my eyes. I thanked her for joining the ring, and told her what I couldn't make myself restrain: that I hope she realizes this isn't a way of life in time to save hers. Afterward, I gave myself a little talking-to about how I would not obsessively return to her journal to see if she responded in an entry; I would not return, in general, as doing so is almost certain to lead to caretaking. And I needed to prepare for a possible attack. Now, I've come back on-line, after a rough day of having almost okayness smack into the reality that this pro-ed bullshit is real, once again, and I find that she did respond, with a quick and seemingly nonchalant thank you. I'm completely thrown. Why on earth did she thank me, if this disorder is what she prefers? How on earth can she talk so simply about something so horrible? As if having an eating disorder is like playing a sport or learning an instrument. An activity. As if it isn't the fuck who murdered Tracy, who tore me apart from myself, who ravaged some of the dearest girls and women I know...as if it's anything else? I just don't understand. Pro-ed people list caged as a favorite with glowing comments. How is that possible? How do you live your life one way (or rather, keep from living it; or rather, endanger it tremendously), but believe or feel grateful for something entirely opposite of that? I mean, what happened today could have a simple explanation. She thanked me for stopping by to thank her for joining the ring, perhaps, and wasn't even talking about the other shit. But with caged, I honestly don't understand. I've wanted to ask people, but I'm afraid to hear anymore of that thought scheme. I feel burned enough by its existence; I don't know that I could handle having to look it in the eye.
And can I just say, how weird is it to look back at things you thought only a few months ago, and see how thoroughly you disbelieve them now? I'm thinking about the time I told Dr. R it wasn't a good idea to just kick the pro-ed stuff off the web because that didn't get any of the people who were in that subculture the help they need. He agreed that it wasn't enough, but said it was necessary. He said, "People with pedophilia have websites, too. And the websites have to be taken down because they're dangerous. The websites have to be taken down, and the people have to be helped." I think that's so true now. I think it's so necessary. Godd, is diaryland ever going to jump on the server bandwagon and make a rule against this shit? It's not censorship. It's putting the right to live over the right to congregate around something deadly. It's saying, yes, you have the right to bear arms, but no, you don't have the right to fire openly into a crowd. If you're going to carry this deadly thing around, others have the right to be protected from it. You have the right to get help, no matter how much you don't think you want it. If you didn't want a better life, why would you be doing all these things you are? If you didn't want to be safe and lovable and able to handle your life, why would you have an ed? You deserve to get that life the real way, not through the scam of sickness. It's the worst scam out there. It doesn't take your life savings. It takes your life.
So...let me just say that I run this site called Community Against the Glorification of Eating disorders, this other site called nourish (which is normally rather neglected but had two updates today), and a bunch of rings regarding the importance of recovery. Post, read, join, brighten my day. I'm a disillusioned, fearful superhero. All this magic power and I still can't save the world.
As for saving myself...it's not going too poorly. Spurts of depression today, but only spotty showers- no full-fledged hurricanes. I did lie down and pull a blanket over my head several times but mostly just because I really wanted sleep. Unfortunately, I'm developing a serious phobia about the state of my heart (leftover and not entirely unjustified fear from my eating disorder), and more and more frequently when I go to bed, I start to get anxious, my heart starts to beat more rapidly, this increases my anxiety, and I end up jumping out of bed to do something else. I've meant to counter it by telling the doc, and going to my general practioner to get a check-up...I haven't had one (not counting all the "is she hypoglycemic or diabetic or bearing a brain tumor or getting migraines?" craziness) in awhile. And considering that eds can fuck with your system long after you become behaviorally abstinent, I want to check. I also want to sleep again at some point. And I have a tiny hope that if I prove this fear invalid, coax the anxiety to leave me alone (through that knowledge and a short stint of applying medications I already take), I might begin to sleep normally again and not need the sleeping meds. None of them seem to do me much good anyway.
Please let my heart be ok. And please let my head not explode from obsessing over every tiny little chest pain that could suggest otherwise...
I want to be in charge of the world just long enough to make sure everyone is given what they need in such a way that it can't ever be taken from them. And I don't want to have to be the one to give it to them because I'm already exhausted. Is there anyway to arrange that, you think?
chordle
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