10:12 a.m. - 09/23/03
can't stop loving // can't stop what is on its way.
the sadness continues. the depression's rescinded slightly, now that my med-mistake has straightened out, but the sadness remains. yesterday, I talked pretty easily for an entire session, and when he left for a minute to determine the time for Friday, I started crying. aiy. a girlwoman came to my guestbook this morning, proclaiming that she's going to Rogers, which makes my heart proud despite the fact that I don't know her; I'm proud of this girl for taking her ed so seriously, for packing up despite her fear, and trying this very difficult course. I want to talk to her, want to answer any questions I can, with the disclaimer that my knowledge is outdated, programs have changed, and even two years ago, they varied by floor. and my sadness? how do I work around that exactly? how do I swallow it down my throat ripped-raw with the wanting...long before this note came, raw. craving, thirsting. the unrelenting need.
I started to cry when the doctor left the room because I hadn't said what I'd thought - before the session began - I needed to say. and he's going to be gone, to wherever he goes, until Friday, which doesn't effect me - not directly...my next appointment was scheduled for Friday anyway. but the week extended, the way it did in school, so that Monday and Friday were unthinkably separated from each other, with such a wide and aching distance in between. I tried to flick the tears away when he entered the room, but it didn't really work, and I didn't really want it to. "Did you have a sad thought?" he asked, so quietly, so kind. I tried to shrug; the tears had slowed but were still coming... "What did you think of?" he asked.
and so I told him. I just told him. that when he goes away, even for three days, I feel so frightened. that I'm really very upset about Chas getting married, although I'm also hugely joyful for her, and I haven't talked about that - really - with anyone, and I hadn't really talked about it with him either. I'd told him that it's happening, a little of the "half the people I know are divorcing and the other half are getting married" weirdness - I'd even mentioned the book that freaked me out entirely and made me feel like it was several years ago, again. but I hadn't said much else. hadn't said how there are these women in my life, and Chas is probably the epitome, the prototype - that I have this undeniable need for. I yearn, I crave. and it's confused. I couldn't tell you if it's a crush or a mother-longing or some bizarre combination of the two, but the idea that someone else could have Chas more, as I'm having her less...the idea that someone is about to marry her, not like I want to...the idea that she'll have children and they'll have what I didn't have... I can't help it. I'm a mess of envy and grief. I'm insecure; I'm scared of losing her...we already talk so much less than we did, and I haven't seen her in almost a year. I don't want her to get this other life, away from me. and I'm horribly sad that it is away from me, that no matter how much I wished it, I didn't become her daughter or her sister or her roommate. she gave me the best friendship I've known from anyone, and I won't minimize it by saying only that. but I needed more than that. not from her; it's appropriate that it didn't happen with her. but from someone. and all my needy, clingy feelings are surfacing, are wanting again. and even though I've sworn to myself I'd give her anything she wanted, I never thought that anything would be away.
that's too dramatic. I know she wants me in her life. I know she wants me in her "new" life, to whatever extent this impending life will be knew. it's just the grief for the needs that never were met, needs which weren't hers to meet, and weren't meant to be carried so long. needs I deserved to have met long before I knew her, but hadn't, and so... so, here I am.
when I speak to this girlwoman about Rogers, I need to remember to call them myself. I need to remember what I learned when Sara first went back, that even having a vicarious connection - perhaps especially, having that - I need to connect directly as well. I'll give this girl just what she asked for, to whatever extent I can, and then I'll get back to my own relationship with Rogers. glad to be helpful, aware that...well...it's never painless. silence over Rogers kills. talking of them - to someone who will be with them, soon - it picks at some old scab. a comfortable habit - remembering - until it tears off and there's just the pain. loving, with its rusty edges, loss.
I haven't lost them, though. I can call and speak with them right now if I want to, which I don't. but maybe in an hour. on Friday, the doc and I have plans to talk about what hurts me when I think of Chas marrying. and some of the ever-elusive It - the confusion of desires, who she's been and who I've wanted her to be, will start to slip out. and whether he already knows or it's all news to him, I'll have said it, and he'll cup my hand in two of his when we're finished. I'll walk out remembering that Monday to Friday is only three doctorless days. and Friday to Monday is ridiculously simple. or if not, it's doable.
that's why I have these twice-a-week appointments after all...to make it doable.
chord
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