10:58 p.m. - 10/25/03
pits and peaces.
exhausted beyond any ability to tell whether I can sleep yet. extremely grateful for the kindness, the response. slowly a large network of hope and prayer and love is building, and I hope with everything in me, that she will begin to feel its presence. please don't stop the good you're doing. as confused as I am in my own spirituality, as muffled and uncertain as my prayers these past few days have been, I'm actually starting to believe (though I'm terrified to say this) that the love we give her could make a difference. hope terrifies me, and the connection of strong love to intense loss has me feeling sick...but as they are all I can do right now, I continue. I am learning about myself. I am feeling outside the realm of "nice girl" emotions. I am hanging on your words, breathing in and out, sobbing, sleeping, mastering the art of dazing, thinking as rarely as possible, and praising Love that I have a sister-Sara to go through this thicket with. I have a sister-Sara to be my co-champion, to help and to help me, through the tragedy as it stands now...
the metaphors and symbols I have feel frightening; I'm afraid they will actually communicate the feeling directly to you, and so I hold my tongue. I will gave this one phrase, though: I feel like I live in a war zone. the tragedies of yesterday do nothing to stop the tragedies of today and tomorrow and the day after. pain is piling up on me, and I want to run to a freer country, to an ignorant land, where I can learn to believe there is no horror like I've known. where the walls close in, the ceilings fall in, everyone's life is hanging in the balance, and the floors are falling out from under you. I don't think I've gone a week without something intensely painful happening in many, many weeks. no, I am not ok. there's no way to be ok in this situation.
but I'm aware of the love that's been launched in my direction, as well as that being given to Jenna. I'm aware of my limits and my strengths, and I got through today without submitting to the desire to numb the overwhelming emotional attack with physical pain. I got through today, period. and tomorrow, I will look into tomorrow. and so on. until there is a country founded by the refugees, where safety is not contingent on oblivion, and emotions coeexist with liberty. until I live in that country, with a family, until we are at home.
chord
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