7:20 p.m. - 04/17/02
[[and break the stallions of my wildest expectations>>
Back again. I have to keep two steps ahead of my thoughts; everything is rushing over me again, and I have to do what I can not to let it overwhelm. I have to distract myself. I can't face this right now, so I must keep moving - type things that don't matter, move in ways that look anxious, just keep your progress steady, just keep yourself going. I can't stop or it will overtake.
I have new meds and they are slightly boring: little white and little peach circles, tiny like birth control. It's hard to believe pills that small could make any big difference, but of course I have to (believe.) I have to take them when I feel the need and believe that they will do their job. I have to believe that they will make it easier because if something doesn't make it easier, I could go off the deep end, and I, sadly, never learned to swim.
The pills are sort of as-needed anxiety pills he says will take the edge off. There are so many edges to everything this week. I'm scared about how quickly he gave me the pills, he's usually so gradual about medication, but then maybe it wasn't quick at all. Maybe he's been thinking about it for weeks, considering every time he saw me...he has been asking more and more about when I'm leaving the house (never) and how I'm feeling in general (rotten.) The pills are supposed to be swallowed one hour prior to "stressful situations" such as studying and leaving the house. I think I'm becoming a full-fledged agoraphobic, but the term is irrelevant. I shouldn't think about it because it doesn't change the situation. No matter what my label, I am still the sum of all these problems, not to mention my reactions to them.
I wonder if it will really take the edge off. I wonder if they can be addictive. I wonder if I will overdose on them to take the edge off in the long term. I wonder if I should shut myself up before I scare someone (too late for me...)
I wouldn't really overdose; I couldn't, not having lost a friend that way. I just can't explain the way things are spinning these days, and it goes on and on and on, and in my head now someone's saying, "you won't see him for a week, ha ha, you have to last a whole week on your own."
I can call him anytime, and I'm *supposed* to call him Monday - why doesn't this comfort me? Why won't it STOP, if only for a second???
chord
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