8:45 p.m. - 05/15/02
nobody loves me// it's true\\ ...not. like. you. do.
My sense of personal suckiness has skyrocketed today. I blame the Wellbutrin. Everything that happened to me the first few days I was on it is happening again: fever, stomachache, groundless anxiety/ heart palpitations, and self-esteem that's in cahoots with gravity. To top it off, I've been doing ACT prep today (which is sad considering I've no reason to do so; I just don't have any schoolwork, so I figured why not) and succeeded in making myself feel like a moron. I'm so bitter about school. I don't understand why I have to prove myself on a test that doesn't show anything relevant to what I want to do with my life. Hey, I know where commas go, and I can read graphs! I fall for trick questions, but I can define "atelophobia"! None of it matters.
And what really makes things worse is that just now I called RED and someone I didn't know (a guy, Adam) answered, and even though I realized in retrospect that he sounded really nice, I had already hung up on him. I tell myself it's not as evil when you do it to people at work, especially when they're new and you would just be something for them to figure out anyway. This way they can get back to whatever else they're training in.
Or maybe he's been there for months in which case I want to tear my hair out and use it to flog myself because the last thing I can handle now is thinking that Rogers is changing drastically. Who are these people replacing? Michelle, Adam- sure they sound like they'll be fine there, but what's up with so many new people on a day shift? And finally, how the hell am I going to regress back into that part of my life in five or so years if everyone has left?
I called back even though I felt like an idiot considering I had to ask the exact same woman to dial the exact same extension, and I doubt my 'disguised voice' was all that effective. The phone just rang, rang, rang...I could have left a message, but what for? They can't call me back, and it simply *doesn't look good* to freak out on a corporate answering machine. I *need to talk to someone* from there, or I'm never going to believe I'm still allowed/supposed to call...
This 'everything happens for a reason' mantra needs to be thrown out the window. Unless that reason is to drive me insane, which has been achieved.
Augh.
chord
who really isn't so irritated right now; she just isn't set for crying quite this soon
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