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9:50 p.m. - 05/31/02 Well the good and the bad anyway. 1.) I had a semi-major breakdown at the doctor's Wednesday. I felt completely patronized and powerless, and he tried to put me on a med for ADHD, which doesn't make sense because I don't even have minor symptoms like boredom or an inability to focus. He also seemed completely lost when I mentioned that it had been eight weeks. He said we needed to talk about it, needed to analyze what that meant for me, why I was bringing it up- which is really bizarre considering eight weeks was his mark, and I shouldn't feel ashamed to have remembered it. 2.) In general I'm really feeling my lack of control in the world right now. I can't help Lindsey, who is having a harder time than anyone should; I can't make myself understood; I can't help Sara go beyond where she is. I'm being "productive," sure...but it's productive as in making mix tapes, crocheting blankets...I'm not exactly altering the course of human events. 3.) The doctor mentioned school again- attending school. I instantly started crying, shaking, shutting down (again.) That was one of the hardest parts for me. I understand that I'm terrified to go back to school, and I wouldn't put up with that except I also don't want to. It was really frustrating trying to talk to him about what I want and have him tell me what I need. I don't need to be constructed into this perfect girl; I need to be allowed to be myself. That's what the therapy and meds are supposed to be about- helping free who I truly am, and if the people in charge (i.e. the treatment team) don't understand that who I am may not fit with whom others think I should be, it feels necessary to freak out a little. I haven't taken the new med at all and don't plan to, at least for now. It's my recovery, and I'll take it when I understand the reason for it, and agree. He always said he wanted me to act more like a teenager... 4.) Tomorrow or thereabouts Sarah and I find out if we made the workshop in New York. We sent them a revised copy of the script, since its evolved so much since our original submission. I'm excited, but I think I'll be ok either way. One thing Dr. R was right about: I need something to work on. He's trying to get me out of the house to do something and to medicate my boredom. The truth is I'm not bored, I've stayed very busy, but I'm not doing anything major. My most long-term project right now is a blanket of crochet patchwork. I need something with a bit more purpose... 5.) Wednesday, when I was having a really rough night after the session, my parents were amazingly sweet about it (even though they annoyed me, asking how I was every five seconds.) They went out for awhile, and they came back with a Piglet handpuppet which is *so wonderful* and a copy of the Harry Potter video. Mom and I watched HP tonight, but she had to leave before the end of it. It's such an amazing story; anyone who claims it's all hype is an idiot. The books are better, but the movie's grand. I am obsessed with all things Maggie Smith. 6.) I made a mix tape for Marybeth- because she sent me a tape while I was in the hospital (some David Kauffman songs) and it made me want to share some of my music. I mentioned the idea to her while she was here, and she seemed excited. I made a lovely tape; I'm very proud of it. Then again, who doesn't think their own music is wonderful? 7.) Katie responded. Amazingly. I shouldn't be surprised. She said things that rival scripture; she said things that simultaneously broke and repaired my heart. God, I can't believe how long it's been. 8.) I'm starting to develop one perspective of losing people that helps me survive it. As much as I hate having people leave, as much as it hurts, I'm aware of what I have to give now to the people who are still in my life. I only have so much energy and to have a smaller number of people to engage with means I can give them more. I guess that if people do come and go in life (and I still don't believe that is natural) it keeps me from having to limit who I involve myself with. I can give whatever I have to whomever is there, and where there are less people, there seems more to give. Of course, there are still quite a few who are absolutely under no circumstances allowed to leave. Ok, in general no one is... 9.) There's one more person whose life I can't control, whom I can't help. I knew there was one more on my mind, but I couldn't think of who...it's Scott. John said he heard from a very reliable source that Scott has declared himself straight and is now quite the player among the girls, who are all completely in love with him. My instant response was, "Of course they are! He's gay!" What girl doesn't fall for such sensitivity and fashion sense? It's complete bullshit; I may be naive, but this much I know. I'm comforting myself with the fact that he graduates this year, and hopefully he'll get to college and re-figure out what he already knew. But it really is devastating to me. I can't imagine what happened (his friends knew, his family knew, what could have changed?) - and it's painful because we were so similar in our struggles and he's just decided it was all fake. High school experimentation? God. I'd say I want to talk to him, but I'm not sure what he could say to make me feel better about this. Funny...most small town girls freak out when their friends *come out* of the closet. Not when they go back in. 10.) At the end of Harry Potter, when he says, "I'm not going home. Not really"? That's exactly how I feel about living here now. But like with Harry it's almost ok- because...I know where home is now. And I will go back there someday. So I'm alright now... all is well that ends well/ and in the end I'll be with you I know/ all is well that ends well, and so/ all is well with my soul... chord � � |