6:45 p.m. - 06/29/02
[another turning point /\ a fork stuck in the road]
so it may seem like I'm doing really well today, or it may seem like I've gone completely crazy. the latter is closer, but neither is true. it's taken me an hour of high anxiety to really look at whether or not I'm ok right now, and I've finally begun to realize what is going on. so here's to an entry that's not about my recovery and might actually contribute to it...
if you keep track of my personal soap opera, you'll remember that yesterday was mildly horrible in terms of the little landmines in my head. to deal with this, I went on a normal-range bike ride (to remind myself that I *am* allowed to exercise, I just *choose* not to exercise obsessively), told ED to shoo in letter-form, and made sure to follow my meal plan. feeling bored, I went to bed early, and when I woke up this morning I was an unsettling level of fine. (actually, it's only unsettling in retrospect. in the moment I was like, "hey this is great! see, when I don't give in, I feel wonderful!") I went to 'something fishy', and hung out reading the message boards. for awhile, it triggered a need not for my eating disorder but for the hospital. (the supportive environment seemed similar.) but then, I just started to feel this enthusiasm toward recovery, something that's been missing in me for months. I'm happy about what I'm doing, but it's lost a bit of the newness. It used to a nice new shiny bike that I shook a little on; now I pedal more confidently, but the paint has faded some. listening to all these people affirm each other and speak their needs reminded me what it was like to be at the beginning, when I was surrounded by support and opportunities to reciprocate it. it was better than paging through Rogers letters because it didn't have the sting of loss; it was better than reading a recovery book because it was informal and personal and true...
at the same time, it struck me that I was being a bit obsessive (I was drowning among the fishys), which brought up a little nervousness. I've avoided online support forums in favor of real-time connection because I know off-line forums are more helpful to me personally. I think in some ways I've been scared that if I use online support, it will the THE ONLY support I use. I remember what i twas like to be a part of Coffeetable and Mixed Nuts; I remember the wondreful people I found there, but I also know those environments helped me far less than the onse I've found outside cyberpsace. In many manners, they were detrimental.
I guess in some ways I'm afraid that utilizing Internet support means doing so in my old, isolated, obsessive, passive-agressive manner and like everything else I decide to incorporate into my life, I need practice to believe it can be a healthy contribution the second time-around.
but really it comes back to the reality that I was BORED last night after writing that letter. I was a discontented little scatter-brain. and this morning, without acknolweding any of what's going on for me emotionally, I threw msyelf into a task and was confused at why I started to feel so depressed. but I HAVE felt depressed today, and by the time my parents got home (around 6) I was anxious to the point of sickness. I found a task to take over the ENTIRE DAY, one that consisted of many, very simple, small tasks (each thread) and involved a great deal of thought but very little effort. I read with interest different journal prompts, recovery games, and discussion topics, but didn't actually follow through on any of them. I felt detached, and as the day progressed, I sunk into the expressionless exhaustion of depression.
I'd like to propose that I studied compulsively today. I'm starting to realize how big a part of my disorder that is. I'm not sure the REDlings knew the full extent of it, even when they took my books away. I *use* studying to distract myself from my feelings, to numb out, to give myself a feeling of accomplishment, when the truth is I feel like I've done less today (with all my little tasks) than I have in many weeks. just like my eating disorder, studying tells me there's always more to do, that I will feel wonderful - on this one extra condition. It never gives up and magnifies the small print, and I never shape up and quit trusting it.
granted, academic compulsivity is less physically threatening than most other addictions (including the other addictions I have) but emotionally, it has the same effect on me, and seeing as I've consistently shown myself that the behavioral aspect of my recovery is steady, I think it's time to work not only on the emotions that play out in physically dangerous ways, but in those that have been overlooked. the major difference right now between the eating disorder part of my illness and the studying part of my illness is that I've worked on the eating disorder. in reality, they're hardly separate. to say I have an eating disorder is misleading because the parts of me that are truly disordered are my thoughts and they play out in more ways than my eating. especially now. obviously, when my ignored-and-pained self realized that she was not going to be allowed to befriend ED for the weekend she switched to school mode. obviously, this must have driven her doubly crazy a few years ago, when she was *completely* incapable of focusing due to all other aspects of illness. but even now, when I am a little bit better at focusing, the obsessive-compulsive mantras I apply to (even-replacement) schoolwork exhaust and frustrate me. I managed to escape this cycle temporarily when my books were taken away (I needed all my energy to eat at that point), but now I think it's necessary to do more than avoid school. I need to heal my relationship with it. I need to reeducate myself regarding education.
Here are some of the thoughts running around in my head right now:
1.) I find ways to study compulsively even when school is not in session. (This is bad.)
2.) The patterns of thinking that bring me to study this way are identical to the patterns of thinking that lead me to use the ED or self-harm, and even if they don't lead me back into those things, they *will* bring about the same unhappiness I'm working to escape.
3.) I want to change this. I want to talk about this with the Dr. and not freak out because it's school and I always freak out when the topic is school.
4.) This is one of at least *two* issues that make school difficult for me. Studying like a crazy kid to numb out and experiencing post-traumatic stress because School treated me like shit are two very different things, and that needs to be understood. Working through my studying habits does not change the fact that school for me was a truly horrifying place.
5.) I can change my study-patterns (during and outside of school) without actually attending it. I'm not sure if this is true about the pt stress, but I do know that saying I need to change this cycle does not mean I need to learn to live the way most other kids do. What is healthy for me might very well be homebound. Most people who do not have eating disorders or other illnesses (like diabetes) do not follow a meal plan; most people in recovery feel better that way. It's all about what works for me, what keeps me healthy. Which I'm just saying because somewhere inside my head I want to believe that if I keep typing that over and over again, eventually someone in charge will say, "hey Mary, you're right; you really shouldn't be in school" and I can relax and enjoy my completely abnormal senior year...
now to figure out how to go about this. I think the first step is to not figure it out. to wait. that's making me very uncomfortable, so I'm positive it's right. ;)
chord
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