8:30 p.m. - 11/30/01
gettingcloser-->gettingcloser-->stillnot.home.
My tummy hurts in the worst sort of way- where it's down in my stomach and up in my throat and chest as well, just daring me to give it any more food, implying that I've already loaded it down with *far too much* which is a very efficient way to ruin decent body image/ self-esteem which I honestly *was* having for most of the morning/ early-afternoon.
The city is nice; it's good to be back. Everything feels familiar this time- the view from my sister's subway stop is an instantaneous time warp, though luckily that hasn't pushed me back to where I used to be. I even explained to the bathroom in her apartment that I'm healthy now, and it needn't worry that it might see anything near as unnerving as what it saw today.
I'm pretty "unnerved" myself right now - just exhausted beyond all possible explanation and aware that there's a great deal more to do before my time here is done. It's not that I'm eager for my time here to be done - I have no desire to be back in that fucking D!@#$%^ house, but I'm eager to be able to rest a little, and in order to do that I really need my own space...not just distance from other people, but my *own space.* I think I'll feel better when I'm in my own hotel room, and I can relax a little...that should be tomorrow.
So from what the city pulls out in me, it seems I've made a lot of progress but I have a long way to go. It's nice not to have such distorted perception, though...and it's nice to be able to walk without feeling like they're going to have to scrape me off the pavement at any moment. It has made me miss the hospital more, though - somehow. I don't know what to do about it; I feel like if I call, I'll just completely break down. I just wish I could see *someone* for a little while. I miss them all like hell.
Shame level is high today...characters are popping in my head like crazed corn kernels. I feel weary but not undone.
love-
chord
imissredmissreddoyoumissmeredimissyouohsomuchcomebackisaidtoredbutshewasgone
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