Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

1:40 p.m. - 07/18/02
[*[that little spot on the ground is /my hometown|:
don't listen to ben harper when you're already sad. or better, don't listen to ben harper when you're not sure you have the stamina to feel your sadness. the degree of it is overwhelming. last night you dreamt that rae came to visit and everyone in n*land knew her, and you tried to get a word in edgewise because her eyes were still like smiles of their own, and you had never really told her that from the first time she said her name, she changed your life.

when you woke up, all you wanted to do was sleep, but you knew better. you came downstairs, you ate your breakfast. you talked with the parents for awhile, then skipped out on the bike ride which is so much harder now that the air outside feels like july. you enjoyed coasting down the hills, the way you always do, and you felt proud pushing your way up them, but not as proud as you do when you feel loved. you came inside, you took a shower, you started to sort clothes so that you could do laundry (which you still haven't done) and pack (which you still haven't started.)

because after all, you're expected to be on a plane in less than two full days, flying across the country to a place you're not sure you want to be. a place where you still won't be with rae or sara, oshiana, brea, anyone who once met anything. no, sarah once meant something, sarah still does, but the fear and sadness are all muddled and you can't find your way through the cobwebs and the puddles in your mind. you want to tell her you just don't want to come, but you will still be sad if you stay. you want to tell her the plane is going to crash into a million pieces, but you know you're always paranoid. you want to call red, but what you really want is to be at red, and if you call, you'll just remember that you aren't.

you want to say, just tell me you *love me* - just *once*, but you know they are health workers, they are not supposed to be your loves. you want to say, I need you all back again, but you don't trust your need as much now that you are aware from them.

I need you I need you I need you. I feel so alone...

chord

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!