11:15 p.m. - 09/09/02
[::seem to be ||happening|| again-)
I'm low on energy right now; I survive by way of other people's words. I'm trying to surrender my plans to stay up all night, and all week, and work like a maniac at my schoolwork, and read books that don't matter but busy my mind, and crochet when my fingers start to feel like talons and my forearms start to feel like they're prey. I'm trying to surrender some of this; I mean sleep is good, and I really should not go back into compulsive-school-mary (is it possible to return to something you haven't left) but I'm not sure I want to know where my head is right now. I am normally very willing to feel my emotions; it's one of the main reasons I am fighting my sickness (cos feeling is *good*)...but right now, I'm just scared of them. I don't want to have nightmares and stay up listening to music and say things like "she doesn't live in n*land anymore" meaning, she moved, and not she doesn't live anymore, but hear what I don't mean. I'm tired of bad dreams and sick sleep and waking up with headaches and having bad messages on my phone from (and maybe to?) girls who don't deserve any more pain. I just can't deal. I can't deal with friends being picked off like game show contestents, with grief, and trauma, and trying to be perfect in the face of such fucking imperfection. I keep trying to do my work, but I know it isn't good enough, I know I'm not good enough, I know that without 24 hours, at this rate, I might as well be standing in the commons at Neverland with the worst of the attackers circling. backed into a corner by my history. I want to throw myself into school to avoid the pain of feeling like a failure in my grief, to avoid the pain of grief in general, but school only brings about more failure. I don't need to see how poorly I can do on physics-1-chapter-1 (velocity for Christ's sake) and an open book psych test. open book. yes. and I still feel like I'll crash and burn.
I'd just like to take a sabbatical. Again. Maybe talking to Sara, I convinced myself. Maybe I just want to hide away in white walls, to be in a place where breathing is not secondary to my schoolwork, and girls who grin like kiddles are not lost.
I don't know. I don't even want to hear myself type right now. I've lost sight of anything beyond "Mary is bad for not caring more about the people she has in her life, for not reaching out to them more, for not taking care of them more, for not being able to be in their lives, for not being able to be in her life, for not being able to finish her homework or take a goddamn test, for calling and cancelling school. Mary is bad for more reasons than one infinite white box could contain."
I'll work on it. I will. Less than 36 hrs til I see the doctor; I can get through that, can't I?
I'm not going to wager anything. A girl never knows how late the phone will ring...
c]
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