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10:55 p.m. - 10/02/02
..thor and blues songs.
Adventures in Adolescence: Today I was behind the wheel of an actual car for the first time in well over a year, and I was leered at out a window by strange boys. Talk about out of the ordinary. Yes, I actually drove a whole five feet out of the garage and into the driveway, and it was very much non-panicky, and I felt old and capable, despite the fact that, half-a-minute later, on the highway, I thought (safely from the passenger seat), "Not ready for this! I will never, ever drive!" Still fun. The boys were slightly less fun, but they were smiling all cute like, and they actually craned out to wave at me. If I weren't completely terrified of male beings for reasons unknown, I would probably have enjoyed it. But having to wonder if they're just a few friends seizing the moment to be silly or if they're thinking what it would be like to kidnap me and ship me off to some shed just sucks the phone right out of it. But I was happy. Boys in a garden truck with no reason to notice me other than that I was on the sidewalk when no one else was. Three boys older than I am giving me smiles for my noon hour. Even if I was going, "Mom, where are you..." in my head, it was nice to have something different for a moment.

Adventures in Family-Life: My brother Joe is home for a few days as he transitions into a new town. He doesn't have an apartment yet, and he's been working his way back toward this job from the coast, so he's currently crashing here. He's the one who helped me back out of the garage, and it confirmed my earlier suspicion that driving lessons would be a lot easier if I learned from a brother rather than a parent. But then, most things would be. We spent most of the night debating who my mom's favorite child is, and fighting about who had it the hardest. He said I was Mom's favorite because she won't drive him to this new city, but she drove me to Oconomowoc. I about laughed myself sick. "Yes," I said. "She sent me to a psych hospital. I'd like to point out that even when Dad went crazy, no one sent him away." These are the Kodak moments of the Lastname family; good times.

Adventures in Schoolwork: School sucks and then you graduate. Hopefully. I'm not at all enjoying it right now, and I have to figure out how to be ready for this really icky physics test by Friday. I'd put it off even longer but next week is the play, and I probably won't see my teacher until Friday, which is already pretty awful. Why, why, why does it have to incorporate geometry? Are shapes and angles *really* all that important? Doesn't everyone really prefer a good algebraic formula? I thought so. Other classes continue to overload me with work, but my science fiction teacher wrote whole paragraphs in green ink about how my responses are show a depth of insight she's not used to seeing, and that really put a smile in my heart momentarily. I wish I could hold onto those words for more than a second, and the points I miss for less than one, but some day the scales might shift. In the meantime, back to the routine. School, therapy, sleep. Repeat.

Adventures in Eating Disorders: I'm doing fairly well; still a little sore in the body image department, and struggling more with the idea that I'll somehow gain weight by being in the vacinity of food. Or that I'll gain weight by eating foods that are hard for me. I just have to stay strong in my meal plan and not let it get to me. Sooner or later, I'll feel good again, right? Also, I haven't been biking which means my exercise is basically nil. Should I need exercise to feel good about my body? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll do a test-biking sometime this week and see if I enjoy it at all. I'm not putting myself through a heart-rate so high I can't breathe just to have ten minutes of decent body image. There has to be a middle ground. But I think I really liked biking, and hopefully I can keep it from becoming compulsive. I broke the (active) school cycle after all; (if not the thoughts.) For the 4-billionth time. A little quicker to the punch each time.

Adventures in Therapy: It was the nicest session. It was a little screwy, actually, because I didn't realize how much I really needed to talk about Massachussetts, and we weren't talking about it, so I just sort of shoved it in at the end, and kept emphasizing it, and then it got onto our plate. But the energy of the session was still really good. He knew I was struggling, and so I didn't feel like I had to show him so much; I felt like I could just let that moment be safe the way it was, and let myself pull away from the pain for a moment. We laughed and talked and it was good. He kept making jokes, and when I said little things, instead of his classic wry smile, he'd chuckle heartily. It was cute, and it made me happy.

Of course, we joked about serious subjects. The trials and tribulations of my life at the moment. I told him how my anxiety has been high, mainly- I think- because generally speaking I'm terrified of the future and grieved over the past, and at the moment the present is rather painful as well, which leaves me without options. He said I have an amazing ability to find creative ways to live every more fully within the eye of the storm, which I really appreciated. I worked with very little for a very long time, and even though I'm not proud of all that I did, and I want better now, it's nice to have someone acknowledge it. Acknowledge the storm, and how difficult it is, and how much effort I've put in. I pointed out that my anxiety was better yesterday, and when I told him how I slowed my pace, he said that I had changed my experience; that *I* had helped my anxiety. I wasn't quite ready to take credit for that, and I guess I'm not quite ready to take credit for my past either, which is why I really appreciate him offering it to me. I can't say, "Hey! Do you notice what I'm doing?! Look at this!" so to have him say, "I notice this; I see" is really comforting.

We talked about school. Good Neverland versus bad Neverland. Messages I received from amazing eighth grade teachers and messages I received from the Honors Program at its worst. He said that being a relational person in a ruled system can be really difficult because even if you achieve (even if I get a 104) you feel you've stepped on other people to do that; you feel isolated. I didn't quite understand that, as my grades never kept anyone else from doing well, and being generally around geniuses and perfectionists I always felt more separated by failure than I did by success, but I could relate it to what's going on with recovery. I know that I can't do this in an A+ sort of way because it isn't working for me, but I also feel pain having done it that way thus far (to some extent) because I feel like I'm showing up my friends. I don't feel better than them, but I'm afraid they'll think I do. It's odd.

I told him about when I first got sick, and how I started to do "poorly" in school (more so than I ever had.) How kids started talking to me because they were so excited to have done better than me on a test. He said this was a compliment; it showed that I had some ability because doing better than me was an achievement in the eyes of others. I never thought of it that way. I told him I just spent a great deal of time trying to convince them I was stupid and couldn't do anything right, and truthfully, there was no reason they should bother competing with me. He asked if I still believe I wasn't intelligent, and I told him a great deal of the time, I do. I'm not proud to say that, but it's safer than thinking anything else, even if it's less affirming. When I feel badly about myself in the present, I tend to think I was stupid my whole life. When I feel better, I can see more good. I think now is one of those down points, but all the same, the majority of the time, I'm still waiting to have someone pull the rug out from under me and expose my underachieving, moron self.

(How you underachieve when you can't do anything to begin with, I still haven't determined.)

He pointed out that this was state-dependency, that my present was effecting my perspective of events throughout my life that had not changed, until they were a great deal different from a moment of good to a moment of bad. Silently, I wondered if that could happen with the future as well. One moment, I'm thinking how nice it will be to attend Hampshire, to excell; the next I'm imagining how little they will want me and want badly to slice my skin. One moment I'm thinking how I'll change the world; the next I'm not sure how to spend another minute here without poisoning all the good away. I think my perception is bipolar. My personality screams to my head, "Make up your mind already!"

We talked about the play, too. I don't even know what to think about the play. I really wish it were the first or third one, as opposed to the second. I really wish it were my most recent piece, which I feel so much better about. I have confirmations from a few people that they are coming (Chas and Brooke are coming! eee!) but I'm so scared to see them, to have them see me, to have them see my play. I might as well be standing naked onstage and giving everyone kaliedoscope glasses with which to view me. Not only am I completely exposed, but my exposure could easily be confused and misinterpreted.

The people who love me now will still love me after Friday. The people who love me now will still love me after Friday. The people who love me now will still love me after Friday.

And hey, it will be nice to play in a theater again. To ball and unball Saran wrap for the set, and to see my words at work. There are parts of theater I really love. I would really love being a playwright if it didn't require the plays be ones I'd written. Meh. I'd like all the joy without the snarkiness; merci.

And, just to prove I have the sweetest doctor in the known or unknown universe, I have to mention that he cleared his schedule to be able to see the play, but he's leaving it up to me whether he actually attends. I think that's totally amazing of him (he's going to *drive* to see my play outside office hours, and I didn't even ask him, and even though he's freed his schedule- *I* still get to make the call...c'mon. We're talking sainthood here.) I think I want him to come, but I'm still a little nervous and unsure. I'll have to give him all the normal disclaimers of course, and it will be weird to have him see me (likely) hyper and chatting with friends. It will be weird to have him in a real part of my life, instead of an experimental one...but then...I kind of want that, don't I? I've done an atypically good job of seeing him as a therapist, not a friend or guardian or savior, and wouldn't it be nice just this once, to have the therapist come into the world of friends and guardians. And hey, maybe I can pull a Harriet the Spy and figure out *something* about him. I'm not sure, but I'm leaning toward the positive.

Oddly, he said that saying no is generally harder, so if I was silent on the issue, he'd take it as direction not to come. I guess I'll have to tell him that for me, saying yes is really hard. It's hard for me to say, "Hey I want you" (any you) "here. Hey, I need you." It's hard for me to say *thank you* because it implies indirectly that the person has met a need of mine. I still struggle to be okay with having needs.

Anyway, seeing people I love for the first time in years, and presenting a workshop after a three year hiatus can't be all bad. Right?

...Also, we talked about Massachussetts, but still no conclusions have been made. It's so crazy, what with the interview and attending a class and the whole idea. I told him I don't understand how I make a decision about a year from now when I can only stay sane in a "one day at a time" mindset, let alone how I can *enter* and attempt to fit into that world now. I'm not sure I want to go to college a year from now, and they want me to try it for a weekend *this month?* Would it really be such a horrible thing if I didn't?

So we talked pros, cons, of different parts of the plan, and he realized a lot of stresses in it that he hadn't seen. We left it at "we need to talk about this more" and me thinking I might try and get in touch with V, who first told me about Hampshire, and might be able to alleviate some anxiety, either with a few tidbits of information (knowledge is power) or physical presence, if she's still in the area. I'm worried the e-mail I have for her is outdated, but it might not be, or YPI might have more information for me to try. I think I'd feel a lot calmer if I had V as an ally. That girl could take on the Allied Forces if it crossed her heart to do so.

I admire her a bit much.

Speaking of YPI, they decided not to produce my play. Those bitches, as Sarah would say. I'm disappointed, of course, but not too badly; the decision has been drug (dragged?) out so long. And also, the best way to be rejected is in good company, and I very much was this time. Only one of the plays in my list of favorites was chosen, so I feel happy among the b-sides. If blue ladybugs aren't going to be onstage, something blue can stay away also...I think it helps that I have next-week prospects without the aid of this.

Recovery is good. Getting better (and the idea that I am thus, still sick) is feeling ok right now. Even though everything is unpleasant and painful, I feel better. I'm crocheting from purple and gray yarn, and purple is the color of healing. Et cetera. I feel ok.

Today, the Superdoc said, "Mary Lastname, I do not envy you" and it's funny but, when he was saying that, I personally didn't mind being me.

It comes and goes...

chord

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