10:30 p.m. - 10/29/02
mistakes are an acquired taste.
I'm absolutely exhausted from the stress. I decided to take some time for myself today. It's my time: I manage it, I invest it, I choose when I need a bit for myself. In order to keep from being anxious, I told myself that I would stop this me-time at 5:00, and commence schoolwork. Namely, I needed to do *something* for Mistrandy to pick up tomorrow and study for one test, one quiz. Around 3:30 or 4, I decided to put the finishing touches on my writing portfolio, and in my brilliance, managed to delete all but the first two pages. That's right. I deleted it all. I selected an image from the cover, so I thought: I actually selected the entire document, and the alterations I made to the image erased the pages afterward. Unaware of this, I saved changes. It was gone.
I then spent about fifteen minutes rooting through files, attempting to find *any* temporary documents created during the process, which of course did not exist, before piecing it back together. I was lucky; the earlier draft I had saved was not *so* outdated as I thought it was, and I was able to finish the work in about an hour. By that time, it was six o'clock, and I still had to eat dinner. I was physically exhausted. My anxiety had flown up with this stress, and even though I took my meds with dinner, I still haven't stopped obsessing about these tests and the assignments I still haven't done. I just feel like an absolute wreck. I feel so behind, like such a screw-up.
I think the real point is that I took time for myself, and when I didn't "balance" that with an incredible workload, I started to feel crazy-guilty, like I didn't deserve the time. It was good for me, damnit. I listened to music, I wore clothes that made me laugh, I worked on a homemade present for Sara, and reconnected with myself. I don't have any identity lately; I *need* time to reconnect with myself, so why did everything have to blow up when I took it? This was supposed to be good. I told myself last night that I can look after my own needs. I can search for answers to the questions I want others to examine. I can look after myself, and it will not be an admission that no one else will do this. I can answer my questions, do my work, in the meantime because I need to take care of myself, and I am capable of doing this. I can still ask others to help me along the way. That's what today was about, reconnecting with myself, making myself realize that I am a person, a unique self, capable of living in the world. Why did it all have to get so screwed?
Apparently my self feels unworthy and frightened and shamed. Who didn't see that coming?
chord
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