9:00 p.m. - 11/04/02
relationshit: the dialogue continues.
hello.
hi. what's going on?
it hurts again. the same things. and I know you're sick of telling me I'm going to be loved, but I don't know what else to do. who else could I ask? I don't want to ask someone else. I don't want to be dependent again. I'm scared to ask them to be my self-esteem; I don't want that and it isn't good. I don't know how to have a relationship that's healthy. I'm not healthy. how can my relationships be?
you're putting too much pressure on yourself. you're human and you need love. at all times. now just when you're well.
but. I don't want to get myself into another mess. and I don't want to get myself into another sick place. and I don't want to enter a relationship I'll have to leave, or one in which I'll be left. the only way I know how to keep those things from happening is by being healthy.
even that won't keep them from happening. you don't have that control.
please don't say that.
I have to. you know I do.
but, I can't deal with that. there has to be some control somewhere. there has to be some promise that really is a promise, some forever that really lasts as long. is the most I can hope for really that it's genuine in the moment? will I really never get as far as someone who will hold on?
I don't know. I don't know how things will unfold. that's all I'm saying. I'm not saying you can't have a good relationship that lasts a lifetime; I'm just saying there's no way to guarantee it. There's only a way to guarantee that you can be safe no matter what happens.
You aren't always right you know. You say it's good for me to come here, to you, to me, because it means that I get quicker answers, that I lean on myself, but the truth is sometimes you're skewed. You just want me to survive and that's led to a lot of this hell.
Is this hell?
No. Yes. I don't know. There's enough pain here to suggest it is. But then, I love it, too. I love the things that I have had, and I just don't understand why I can't have them. Why can't I get it through my head that I matter? Why can't I get it through my head that school *doesn't?* Why do I keep perpetuating my own misery?
You are in a cycle; you are not perpetuating it. You can't change that you are ill just by working to get better. But you can change how willing you are to be sick, and you have changed that. It will take time, to see if there is a way out of this cycle, to find that exit. But until then, you are doing something just by refusing to furnish this. You may not break through just yet, but you are refusing to be broken as you wait.
What needs are supposed to be met? In relationships? What are other people supposed to do? I mean, if they're supposed to love me, but I have to love myself first, what does that mean? Are they supposed to say they love me? Because RED never said that. Are they supposed to hold me? Are they supposed to be what holds me together? I don't understand. I can't understand this. What does it mean: this complete confusion that says love is all there is, but too far in it's called codependency? I know that love is better, safe love, healthy love. I know that codependency drains and stifles, leaves me weak and used even when the other person has done nothing to abuse me. I know that love is vital; it replenishes an already nourished spirit- so what? WHERE? Where are the lines, the lines that say, this is love and this is codependency? How do I tell the difference? How am I "supported" but not "needy"? How am I "connected" but not "clingy"? How am I "affectionate" but not desperately so? I think about calling Chas, and it's like, oh yes, yes, this is what I want. I want to call her. But wait, I'm not ok. I can't call her not being ok because that's what I did when I was sick- because it's my job to take care of myself. But then, if I don't call her I'm completely distant. If I call her and hide the pain, I'm dishonest. Where the fuck is the happy medium in this? It's the same for everyone. For absolutely everyone I know. If I'm happy, I'm a fraud, and if I'm hurt, I disappoint. I want these relationships to work, so I must have feelings, but I can't expect anyone else to solve them. I don't know how to trust them. I don't know how to just say this is my feeling and you don't have to do anything about it. This is my feeling and there's absolutely no reason for you to be alarmed. Because I'm afraid it isn't true. I don't trust myself to be able to do this depending, first and foremost, on myself. And so how do I expect that trust from them?
(letting the voices merge for now/ end dialogue)
I don't know why I can't trust myself exactly. I'm afraid to be hurt again, and I have put myself through a lot of pain, for good and not good reasons. I have had a skewed perception that led me to commit violent acts against myself. I have been betrayed by my head, my choices, my intuition; all of who I am has at times hurt me. Except, not who I am now. Who I am now is new and she's made no mistakes. She's infallibly herself, perfectly imperfect, human. Who I am now doesn't have to be who I was before, and she is not linked to all that devastation, all this fear. She deserves a chance the way any new supervisor would deserve a chance.
Still, I'm scared. If I tell myself, I can be in charge and fall, I will have to ask for help, and I'm afraid to ask for help. I'm afraid to need people in ways it is not fair to need. I don't understand. How much is friend; where does it become therapist? How do my calls quit being something that makes you smile; when do you quit answering them? I don't understand, and I can't take any more error, so how do I learn?
I know I have to *experience* relation in order to master it, but I'm afraid to take the risk. I'm afraid to hurt anyone else, to lose anyone else, to take another hit. I know pushing people away hurts them/ me as well, but it isn't the same hurt. I've been pushing people away for a few years. I've been feeling alone, getting hurt, violating and being violated, since before I can remember. I've reached desperately at anything nearly resembling kindness or love, and so the idea of holding back simply *doesn't seem* as painful; it doesn't touch on all that history. But it also means disowning my other history, my other heritage; what happened at RED was my other childhood, and I can't let that go. I have to find the strength to be the person born at RED. I have to grow up from *that* girl, with gentleness and gratitude toward the one my parents raised. Pushing people away means returning to the track my first childhood put me on, and I'm not willing to do that. But I'm so very scared and so confused.
I come here lately because there's more need for therapy than can be met in an hour, but relation is the problem, which makes it a difficult solution. I come here so I don't feel I'm marking time between seeing him, so I have the opportunity to explore my thoughts on my own, and wherever we go in the sessions is fine. The sessions need only meet the needs of that hour. I come here because I don't know what else to do, and this is helping. Until I can ask myself to ask for help, until I can ask someone what level of help is ok, I don't know how to go to anyone else. And I don't know how trust the information I get from myself. I need to solidify my boundaries; I know that. I need firm boundaries so I can believe you have them also. That my unfair needs will bounce back to me, with a kind refusal on your part. I need to learn how to relate to people; I also need to learn not to fall in love solely with other codependents.
Opposites do not attract; the magnets lie.
chord
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